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POTUS to Face no Charges over Qazaq Flag-gate

10 May

9 May 2018

US President Donald Trump is to face no charges over an incident when he wrapped himself in the Qazaq flag during President Nazarbayev’s visit to the White House in January.

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Let’s make Qazaqstan great!

The decision came as part of a general amnesty for 9 May – the day that commemorates the cessation of hostilities in World War 2 for former Soviet Union countries.

Abusing the state flag usually carries a hefty sentence in Qazaqstan, which operates a strict zero tolerance policy, but due to President Drumpf’s diminished responsibility, it was decided no further action would be taken at this moment in time.

Lady Fudge, a prominent member of Lord Venal’s legal team, told kazaxia that taking legal action would have created problems, especially in the light of arch-rival Uzbekistan sending a high-level delegation headed by President Mirziyoyev to the White House later this month.

“In Qazaqstan once charges are pressed you are de facto considered guilty until proven guilty so if the case involving POTUS had made it to court, it would almost certainly have ended in a conviction,” Lady Fudge said.

(Editor’s note: the acquittal rate in Qazaqstan hovers around 1%)

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Astana’s Death Star Heading for London?

26 Jan

26 January 2018

It looks like Lord Venal’s lobbying is finally paying off as bigwigs in London have agreed to his ambitious scheme to bring Astana’s Death Star to the UK capital’s skyline.

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Astana’s Nur Alem, aka The Death Star, which London wants to ape

Plans were unveiled on Wednesday for the Golf Ball, a daring declaration of intent for post-Brexit Britain. According to the plans seen by kazaxia, a huge glass orb, dwarfing St Paul’s Cathedral, may be constructed by east London’s Olympic Park.
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London’s proposed riposte to Astana’s Death Star – the Golf Ball

Lord Venal was so impressed with Expo 2017’s Nur Alem pavillion, dubbed the Death Star by one hack, that he started hassling his London contacts to bring a similar Star Wars-themed glass globe to London.
“In these Brexitian times it is vital that London match Astana in its global ambition if it wants to remain a key financial centre after Britain crashes out of the EU,” the good Lord told kazaxia.
“That’s why London needs its very own Death Star to show the world that, like Astana -the fruit of Elbasi’s great vision, it is open for business.”

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Lord Venal: “I’m no Wolff in Ermine Clothing”

10 Jan

10 January 2018

Lord Venal has expressed his distress at the abrupt cancellation by the presidential administration of his pioneering project of fly-on-the-wall observation of the workings of the administration and publication of a book. Akorda had gained wide recognition for its inspiring move to allow the populace a glimpse into the inner workings of the smooth machine that runs Kazakhstan so efficiently. However, critics claim Akorda’s abrupt abandonment of the project is fall-out from US President Donald Trump’s unhappy experiences over Michael Wolff’s controversial book “Fire and Fury”.

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What might have been…

Lord Venal dismisses any such comparison with his ill-fated US colleague. “Nothing could be further from the truth,” the good Lord told Kazaxia, apparently close to tears. “I’m no Wolff in Ermine Clothing.” He said he had stepped in to pen the volume when his good friend, former jailbird Jonathan Aitken, had proved overburdened, being only half-way through his biography of the veteran inspirational president of Equatorial Guinea, Teodoro Obiang.

“I’ve had the privilege of attending Akorda only twice – and the cocktails and company were quite congenial,” Lord Venal noted. “I’m saddened that my latest project has ended like this.”

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UK Election: Venal Sticks His Oar In

2 Jun

Controversial election observer Lord Venal is back in the UK to monitor next week’s General Election.

With his good friend Theresa Maybot nosediving in the opinion polls, Venal singled out London’s Evening Standard for criticism.

“This left-wing rag is showing unprecedented bias against the Supreme Leader. Its polls are fake news designed to tarnish the image of our great leader at this crucial time in Albion’s history,” he said, referring to the newspaper that is edited by former Chancellor of the Exchequer, Gideon Osborne – a sworn enemy from within the Tory party ranks of the Maybot.

“My own polling shows the Maybot on 83%, the loony lefties on 5% and the Lib Dems and Greens on 2% with the other parties accounting for the rest of the votes.”

As a staunch Tory, Venal was strictly on message when he parroted: “We need to stand united; Brexit means Brexit. Only strong and stable government can deliver a stable and strong government.”

Venal recently courted yet more controversy when he urged the UK to follow Central Asia’s lead and send the undeserving poor and public sector workers to the fields to harvest strawberries to make up for an expected fall in cheap labour following Brexit.

“Teachers get six weeks summer holiday – who else gets this much time off? We should tear them away from their Guardians and put these lazy layabouts to work in the fields of Albion; at a stroke this would slash immigration by thousands,” he told anyone who would listen whilst holding court in his local boozer, pint in one hand, Daily Mail in the other.

The good Lord is hoping to profit big time from Brexit. He has been in Central Asia drumming up business for the independent UK, offering shortbread for Tico Tuk Tuks. He recently removed his Uz Daewoo Tico conversion plant from Tyneside to Cyprus to continue benefitting from EU subsidies after Britain’s pullout from the bloc.

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Is a Trump-style Upset on the Cards in Uzbekistan?

2 Dec

2016 has been a year of surprises in the political sphere, and could we be about to see another shock as Uzbekistan goes to the polls on Sunday to elect a successor to its late president Islam Karimov?

As the year comes to a close, kazaxia’s politics guru, Gary Kefali, has been in Tashkent to gauge the mood and he’s found some astounding evidence that another upset could be on the cards.

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Repairing the presidency in Uzbekistan via a four horse race

While all the experts are predicting a walkover for former prime minister Shavkat Mirziyoyev, who is acting president, Kefali’s  straw poll of people he’s bumped into indicates a victory for dark horse candidate, Khatamjon Ketmonov, despite all other signs pointing to red-hot favourite Mirziyoyev.

It would be no surprise if this happened – the year of the monkey has already delivered many shocks – its first surprise was in March when Kazakhstan’s president, Nursultan Nazarbayev, was returned to power with 98% of the popular vote – he’d been widely tipped to get 97%. Then in June, the UK voted to leave the EU, a move that the pollsters and pundits missed.

Fast forward to the USA in November and the cheeky monkey had another trick up its sleeve as Donald Trump lost out to Hilary Clinton in terms of votes cast but still won the presidency, an upset hastened by America’s arcane electoral college system. Again, the pollsters and pundits called it wrong giving Trump little chance of victory.

Lord Venal, who is in Tashkent as an unofficial election observer, has been gauging the mood in the nightclubs of Tashkent – Lord Venal’s impeccable source for keeping his finger on the pulse (literally at times) – is showing an increasing likelihood of a Trump-style upset in Uzbekistan’s 4 December presidential poll.

Lord Venal has heard repeated whingeing about an out-of-touch, self-serving political elite, intent on amassing ever-greater wealth at the expense of the hard-working masses. They have seen their standard of living fall relentlessly as the rich get richer. The elite simply don’t understand the ordinary guy – and even show contempt for him, is the constant refrain. The elite is backed by the Mainstream Media (known here too as the MSM), which relentlessly backs its own.

Calls are growing to “drain the swamp” in Tashkent’s government district. Proposals are increasing heard to build a wall on the border with Kyrgyzstan to keep illegal migrants out. Some have even gone as far as to call to lock up some of the leading candidates.

Lord Venal points out that few correctly predicted that Brexit would triumph in Britain, let alone that Donald Trump could prevail in the US over a tried and tested candidate with years of political and government experience. But if the word in the Tashkent nightclubs can be believed, a similar upset in Uzbekistan is not out of the question.

(Lord Venal adopts a policy of strict neutrality in all elections he monitors. Any hospitality offered by governments plays no role in any assessment he issues. A careful reading of his conclusions on earlier elections will show no influence from visits to restaurants, casinos and nightclubs, or gifts of carpets, caviar or jewellery designed by presidential daughters.)

 

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Make their Money Work Harder with Venal Kleptis Offshore

13 Apr

With the sad demise of Mossack Fonseca’s offshore arrangements following the revelations in the Panama Papers about where the rich and infamous stash their ill-gotten gains, Lord Venal is pleased to announce that he is teaming up with Kleptis Kapital, a North Cyprus-based offshore financial group, to provide bespoke money hiding services.

Security from the prying eyes of the taxman and other assorted busybodies – that is what  the Venal Kleptis Offshore (VKO) fund can offer to canny investors. You’ve spent years avoiding taxes, creaming off money from various sources and laundering it and that is why we want to ensure that their money works the hardest it can for you.

VKO uses the latest encryption security to ensure that your dirty laundry will never be aired in public. Put your trust in VKO and we’ll do the rest to help your savings grow and grow.

Testimonials:

Vlad Rutin (Judo teacher, Russia) “Whilst I have no money myself, I advised my good friend, cellist Serge Doldugin to invest some of his billions in Venal Kleptis Offshore and I’m pleased to say that he has no regrets about this decision.”

Radiga Aliyeva (Singer, Kazakhstan) “Venal Kleptis have some most attractive vehicles for me to stash my late husband’s ill-gotten gains in.”

Dave Cameron (Plumber, UK) “Whether I have now or at any time benefitted from funds invested in VKO is purley a private matter.”

 

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Uzbekistan: Googoosha Ensnared by Wizard of Uz

25 Mar

In a shocking new twist to the tale of Googoosha, Lord Venal has received a hand-written note smuggled out of Uzbekistan from the secret location where the fallen princess is being kept under alleged house arrest.

The note was written in lipstick on the back of a Sarbast beermat after the evil henchmen of a sinister and mysterious figure – referred to by Googoosha as the Wizard of Uz – confiscated all the pens and pencils from her gilded cage.

Googoosha claims that the Wicked Witch of West Tashkent, her mother Tatiana Karimova, has cast a spell that has cut off access to twitter in her prison.

In the note she calls on Lord Venal to help her find a yellow brick road away from this nightmare scenario, but with the net of corruption allegations closing around Googoosha in Europe, not even the good Lord and his contacts may be able to rescue this princess.

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The Blair Rich Project

16 Nov

The jury is still out over the impact that Tony Blair Associates has had on Kazakhstan over the last two years. The former UK prime minister’s consultancy has been advising Astana on a variety of issues since October 2011 in a project dubbed by some observers as “The Blair Rich Project”.

While many Kazakhstan-watchers have pointed to a worsening of the human rights situation and a widespread crackdown in the country since the December 2011 Zhanaozen riots, when 15 protestors were killed, Tony’s crew has witnessed a somewhat different scene.

Using the rose-tinted spectacles supplied by Astana, Tony Blair Associates (TBA) rejected notions of a crackdown, telling the Guardian: “We simply do not agree that the situation in this regard has deteriorated.”

It seems they hadn’t spotted an opposition leader getting jailed for apparently organising the trouble in Zhanaozen, other dissenting political voices being neutered, the silencing of critical media outlets and a further scaling back of the right to free assembly.

The tw0-year contract has just finished and is supposedly up for renewal, but Lord Venal is sceptical it will be prolonged.

“Astana paid $26 million for the services of TBA and, quite frankly, were expecting a bit more Blair for their bucks,” he told Kazaxia.

Tony has only paid flying visits to Kazakhstan, deputising the work to others in his team as he globetrots around sorting out the planet’s problems.

“For that sort of money, Kazakhstan could have bought a million twitter shares (priced initially at $26 a pop), a bar of Kazakhstan chocolate for every person in the country, or around 20% of the Welsh wizard, Gareth Bale,” Lord Venal added.

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Another Busy Week for Kazakhstan’s Lawmakers?

4 Oct

Kazakhstan’s parliament has been sitting this last week and it has been grappling with one of the key issues that is preying on voter’s minds – same-sex relationships.

Never mind that many in this energy rich country are without running water and reliable energy supplies, or that some of the disaffected  have been turning to militant Islam in recent years. Lawmakers in the multi-party parliament, which consists of Nur Otan, the pro-presidential party, Ak Zhol, the pro-business and pro-presidential party, and the Communist pro-presidential party, have been getting hot under the collar over same-sex relationships.

As the debate was raging in parliament (or, more likely, deputy Bakhytbek Smagul took his colleagues on a rambling trip through his ill-informed thoughts on homosexuality), the head of the first department of the General Prosecutor’s Office, Almas Mukhamejanov, called for harsh penalties for another key issue in the country – human cloning.

Currently human cloning does not carry a custodial sentence in Kazakhstan, but Mukhamejanov suggested punishing human cloning by imprisonment for a term of 5 years, and up to 12 years if the crime was committed by an organized criminal group.

Kazaxia asked Lord Venal about these developments and he suggested that they might be linked to Tony Blair, who became a Catholic in 2007. His consultancy, Tony Blair Associates, is getting paid a packet (some sources claim $13 million a year) to advise Kazakhstan’s government.

Do the Blairites have a sinister anti-gay cloning message that they are trying to push onto the unsuspecting Kazakh public in the guise of consulting on governance?

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Kazakhstan: In Praise of the First President

1 Dec

Lord Venal has seen fit to put pen to paper as Kazakhstan prepares to celebrate the Day of the First President on 1 December, the country’s newest public holiday.

President Nursultan Nazarbayev bestrides Kazakhstan like a colossus – his image beams down from billboards on nearly every street corner. The Park of the First President is a fixture of all major towns and cities. Every evening he tops the TV news agenda meeting with dignitaries, opening factories and winning EXPO 2017 bids.

The First President awaits visitors

The First President awaits visitors

Wildly loved by his adoring public – he won 96.5 % of the vote in the last election, The Leader of the Nation, as he is also known, has worked ceaselessly over the last twenty-two years as he has steered the good ship Kazakhstan through turbulent waters to leave the country becalmed in a sea of economic prosperity and political stagnation.

He is one of the world’s longest serving presidents – only a few presidents have kept the throne warmer for longer than the glorious leader – Zimbabwe’s Robert Mugabe, Manchester United’s Sir Alex Ferguson and arch-rival Islam Karimov in Uzbekistan spring to mind.

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The Nazarbayev University in his fairytale capital city, Astana, proudly carries his name as do a network of Nazarbayev Intellectual schools, which have mushroomed across Kazakhstan in recent years. The day cannot be far off when Nazarbayev kindergartens, fertility clinics and dating agencies will grace the provincial capitals.

I, along with my former cell mate, Jonathan Aitken, the famed hagiographer, who is in Astana to sing the praises of the First President yet again, would like to wish the Leader many happy returns on this the anniversary of the distant day back in 1991 when he won his first election along with the hearts of the Kazakh nation. Long may he reign – Kazakhstan’s very own Superkhan!

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