Tag Archives: Tico

UK Election: Venal Sticks His Oar In

2 Jun

Controversial election observer Lord Venal is back in the UK to monitor next week’s General Election.

With his good friend Theresa Maybot nosediving in the opinion polls, Venal singled out London’s Evening Standard for criticism.

“This left-wing rag is showing unprecedented bias against the Supreme Leader. Its polls are fake news designed to tarnish the image of our great leader at this crucial time in Albion’s history,” he said, referring to the newspaper that is edited by former Chancellor of the Exchequer, Gideon Osborne – a sworn enemy from within the Tory party ranks of the Maybot.

“My own polling shows the Maybot on 83%, the loony lefties on 5% and the Lib Dems and Greens on 2% with the other parties accounting for the rest of the votes.”

As a staunch Tory, Venal was strictly on message when he parroted: “We need to stand united; Brexit means Brexit. Only strong and stable government can deliver a stable and strong government.”

Venal recently courted yet more controversy when he urged the UK to follow Central Asia’s lead and send the undeserving poor and public sector workers to the fields to harvest strawberries to make up for an expected fall in cheap labour following Brexit.

“Teachers get six weeks summer holiday – who else gets this much time off? We should tear them away from their Guardians and put these lazy layabouts to work in the fields of Albion; at a stroke this would slash immigration by thousands,” he told anyone who would listen whilst holding court in his local boozer, pint in one hand, Daily Mail in the other.

The good Lord is hoping to profit big time from Brexit. He has been in Central Asia drumming up business for the independent UK, offering shortbread for Tico Tuk Tuks. He recently removed his Uz Daewoo Tico conversion plant from Tyneside to Cyprus to continue benefitting from EU subsidies after Britain’s pullout from the bloc.

Tico Tuk-Tuk

29 Jan

Lord Venal is constantly roaming the world in search of new business opportunities. On a recent visit to Sihanoukville, Cambodia, he finally found a use for his garage of Uz-Daewoo Ticos – some innovative Cambodians have taken the body of the Tico and fitted a raised platform to the back of the car creating the Tico tuk- tuk!

Lord Venal has amassed an extensive collection of secondhand Ticos over the years on his business trips and election monitoring visits to Uzbekistan. This symbol of automotive excellence is considered by many in the know to be the finest car ever to come out of Andijan, Central Asia’s Motor City. Now it can have a new lease of life as the perfect way to cool down on those balmy days of chilla while scooting around Tashkent.

Not to be outdone, Uz-Daewoo’s other famous comapct car, the Matiz, has also undergone  a tuk-tuk transformation at the hands of the Sihanoukville masters. But there was no sign of a Nexia tuk-tuk cruising the beachfront boulevard.