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UK Election: Venal Sticks His Oar In

2 Jun

Controversial election observer Lord Venal is back in the UK to monitor next week’s General Election.

With his good friend Theresa Maybot nosediving in the opinion polls, Venal singled out London’s Evening Standard for criticism.

“This left-wing rag is showing unprecedented bias against the Supreme Leader. Its polls are fake news designed to tarnish the image of our great leader at this crucial time in Albion’s history,” he said, referring to the newspaper that is edited by former Chancellor of the Exchequer, Gideon Osborne – a sworn enemy from within the Tory party ranks of the Maybot.

“My own polling shows the Maybot on 83%, the loony lefties on 5% and the Lib Dems and Greens on 2% with the other parties accounting for the rest of the votes.”

As a staunch Tory, Venal was strictly on message when he parroted: “We need to stand united; Brexit means Brexit. Only strong and stable government can deliver a stable and strong government.”

Venal recently courted yet more controversy when he urged the UK to follow Central Asia’s lead and send the undeserving poor and public sector workers to the fields to harvest strawberries to make up for an expected fall in cheap labour following Brexit.

“Teachers get six weeks summer holiday – who else gets this much time off? We should tear them away from their Guardians and put these lazy layabouts to work in the fields of Albion; at a stroke this would slash immigration by thousands,” he told anyone who would listen whilst holding court in his local boozer, pint in one hand, Daily Mail in the other.

The good Lord is hoping to profit big time from Brexit. He has been in Central Asia drumming up business for the independent UK, offering shortbread for Tico Tuk Tuks. He recently removed his Uz Daewoo Tico conversion plant from Tyneside to Cyprus to continue benefitting from EU subsidies after Britain’s pullout from the bloc.

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Uzbekistan’s Brave New World?

5 Dec

Lord Venal is just back from his latest election monitoring mission in Uzbekistan. He was part of the unofficial Non-Aligned Observation Missions International (Naomi) group which visited the country as it prepared to anoint Shavkat Mirziyoyev as Islam Karimov’s rightful heir.

He’s kindly contributed this piece to kazaxia.

Ah, Uzbekistan! What a show it put on as the reins of power passed to Shavkat Mirziyoyev. I was part of a group of assorted Lords and bigwigs that were flown in to legitimise the transfer of power. As usual, the Uzbeks pulled out all the stops to make our stay a comfortable and memorable experience.

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A polling station in Tashkent, Uzbekistan

We were kitted out with regulation observer rose-tinted spectacles and whizzed by train to Samarkand to pay our respects to two tyrants. The more recently deceased one was doing a roaring trade compared with the earlier model, Amir Timur aka Tamerlane, who in comparison was receiving a modest trickle of visitors.

The local flower sellers were doing good business – a possible opportunity for Britain’s gardeners to exploit in these post-Brexit times. Indeed, there could be many opportunities in Uzbekistan for Britain’s exporters as the new president looks like a character we can do business with.

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Mr Miriziyoyev has good contacts with figures from the world of alt-business in Tashkent – this enthusiastic alt-businessman even shared a photo of himself on social media,  squeezed into a tee-shirt proudly displaying the president’s image.

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The election saw a campaign to eradicate the ancient local tradition of “one man, all the family’s votes” with the novel concept of “one person, one vote.” Unfortunately, I was feeling a bit under the weather on polling day, after having over-indulged in plov and local  beverages the night before, so I am unable to confirm the success of this initiative as the polling station had closed by the time I got there.

As to the result, once again, in the year of the monkey, the pundits got it wrong  – our very own Gary Kefali had predicted a win for Khatamjon Ketmonov. Instead, Uzbekistan will venture into its brave new world with Mr Mirziyoyev at the helm. Maybe next time Theresa May’s in town, she could pop in for a cup of tea and discuss some mutually-beneficial trade deals with the new boss.