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About ****ing Time!

7 Dec

“About *****ing time!” and “What the **** took you so long?” were reportedly two of the expostulations from the presidential lips over Almaty officials’ foot-dragging in renaming local streets in his honour, according to rumours emerging from the royal palace in Astana. “The idiots are only seven years behind the Turks!”

Officials told Kazaxia on condition of anonymity (they’re not stupid) that the royal palace had repeatedly sent to akimats across Kazakhstan copies of Turkish press reports from 2010 covering the installation of an elegant 5-metre bronze statue of a seated Nazarbayev in Ankara’s Ataturk Boulevard and the renaming of a street in central Adana “Nursultan Nazarbayev Avenue”.

“Eventually the tenge dropped,” a royal palace flunkey told Kazaxia, with visible relief.

“Even the tinpot town of Comrat in Moldova has a statue of me!” the royal palace’s chief resident is said to have expostulated in frustration over the denseness of his compatriots.

Equilibrium is said to have been restored with Almaty officials’ belated rush to catch up with more progressive foreign leaders.

British senior statesman (and former jailbird) Jonathan Aitken is close to completing a lavishly-illustrated book “Immortalising the Dictator: An Encyclopedia of inspirational Nazarbayev Monuments Around the World”, due out in time for the Christmas market.

In an inspired move, Aitken has turned to Kazaxia’s old friend Lord Venal to provide a foreword. “Honoured and touched, I’m sure,” the good Lord said of his latest project, as he headed out on the arm of a charming young lady for an Almaty nightclub (or two)

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Qazaqstan: The Cult Lives on!

1 Dec

1 December 2017

The cult of Nursultan Nazarbayev is alive and well in Qazaqstan as a main thoroughfare in Almaty is renamed after the septuagenarian leader in honour of his 26 years on the throne.

SAMSUNG CSC

One of the main shrines of the Nazarbayev cult in Almaty, Kazakhstan

Long rumoured to be the target of a name change, the decision to rename Almaty’s Furmanov Street as Nazarbayev Street was taken on 30 November, on the eve of the public holiday First President’s Day.

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President Nazarbayev gazes down on Nazarbayev Street, Almaty

It makes for a marvellous present to the people of the former capital and puts to rest rumours that the cult was beginning to lose momentum – it has been a few months since Astana airport was renamed Nursultan Nazarbayev International.

The capital, which may itself one day be renamed after the Leader of the Nation,  also has Nazarbayev University with many of the university’s students having attended the nationwide chain of Nazarbayev Intellectual Schools – how long before we see Nazarbayev kindergartens, dating agencies, wedding palaces and fertility clinics, kazaxia wonders!

 

Qoqs’etay’: Shock Arrest of Deaf Pensioner

25 Nov

KNB agents arrested an 87-year-old man for launching wild celebrations this week in his home village near Kokshetau. The unnamed man – who is deaf in both ears – had hung banners from his balcony celebrating the ousting of the president and the dawn of democracy. He had then struggled to the local shop to buy vodka for celebrations.

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Jubilation as President Mugabe steps down

“It’s time for all of us to celebrate the ousting of the dictator after so many decades!” the old man had shouted to bewildered fellow-shoppers, the saleswoman told local TV. “He was also muttering things like ‘the only president since independence’, ‘he locked up anyone who disagreed with him’ and ‘he idiotically even named a university after himself’.” The man then invited all his neighbours to the impromptu party.

“I don’t understand what’s happened,” the man’s elderly wife said, clearly distressed. “All I did was tell him that Zimbabwe’s veteran president Robert Mugabe had been forced to step down. I wasn’t sure he even understood me very well. He’s quite deaf.”

Qazaqstan:Grabbing Brexit by the Horns

24 Nov

24 November 2017

Kazakhstan’s Foreign Minister Kairat Abdrakhmanov popped into London earlier this week to touch base with his UK counterpart Boris Johnson, inventor of the bicycle.

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When Boris met Kairat…

The UK’s foreign secretary was upbeat about the growing trade links between Britain and oil rich Kazakhstan.

“Per capita, Qazaqstanis suck more Fisherman’s Friends than any other Central Asians,” Johnson gloated.

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Marmite sales grew by a whopping 50% in Qazaqstan in 2016

Trade has been growing steadily between the two nations, with shortbread and Marmite leading the way – sales of the latter increased 50% in Kazakhstan last year, up from 10 jars in 2015 to 15 in 2016.

Astana is keen to make the most of the golden opportunity of Brexit that will see the UK crash out of the EU in just over a year.

“The future has never been brighter for trade with emerging giants such as Qazaqstan,” a spokesperson from the think tank Free United Kingdom in Transit (Fukit) told kazaxia.

 

 

Qazaqstan: “Let’s Drink Beer on the Streets!”

16 Nov

17 November 2017

Eager young members of the presidential Nur Otan party have leapt into action across Kazakhstan to create “Let’s Drink Beer on the Streets!” groups to emulate their leader. Young people can be seen in towns and cities across Kazakhstan draped in the party and national flags gathering in groups to quaff cans of Kazbrew, despite the plummeting winter temperatures.

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Cheers from Almaty!

The groups were founded to honour President Nursultan Nazarbayev’s comments while meeting Russian President Vladimir Putin in Chelyabinsk on 9 November that he had done just that when he was studying and working there. “Our president was too modest over many years in keeping to himself this heroic act,” one local group member told Kazaxia. “Let’s honour our president and follow in his footsteps.” (Kazaxia notes that this young man’s footsteps were none too steady.)

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“This instant response by Kazakhstan’s young people shows their determination to follow the inspirational leadership of their president,” a Nur Otan spokesperson told Kazaxia. “If only all our youth were dedicated to such fine patriotic ideals.”

 

Kazaxia can only drink to this.

Qazaqstan’s great leap forward (backward)

13 Nov

Following the great success of President Nazarbayev’s Latinisation project,
the visionary Central Asian leader has taken another bold step to bring his
country closer to Europe: he has proposed the adoption nationwide of Central
European time. ‘This is a fundamental reaffirmation of our president’s
commitment to European values,’ his spokesperson told Kazaxia. ‘It is a
great leap forward – well actually backwards.’

Clocks in Astana are due to move 5 hours backwards on 1 January 2018, while
those in the west by the Caspian Sea will move 4 hours backwards.

Commentators in the pro-government media have hailed the initiative. ‘A
timely move’ was the headline in the English-language Steppe Times.

The well-known Central Asian expert, skilled election monitor and financial
advisor to many in the region, Lord Venal, was also admiring of the move.
‘This means when I come out of a nightclub in Astana on the arm of a
charming young lady, it will be only midnight! The night will be as young as
I am!’

Kyrgyzstan: Venal Barred from Bishkek Vote

13 Oct

13 October 2017

Seasoned election observer Lord Venal is heartbroken after Kyrgyzstan refused him entry to observe Sunday’s upcoming presidential poll.

Atambayev'den Kırgızca açıklaması

In lieu of a photo of President Atambayev gardening we’ve found this pic of him in a very fetching bit of headgear

The Kyrgyz apparently refused entry to the good lord after he had queued for 16 hours on the border in Kazakhstan. They accused the Venal-controlled kazaxia website of a pro-Kazakhstan bias for not publishing any images of incumbent president Almazbek Atambayev honing his horticultural skills in its popular ‘Gardening Dictator’ series.

Kyrgyzstan’s presidential vote is wildly expected to be a two-horse race between Jenny Bekov and Baba Nova that may go to a second round in November.

The green-fingered soon to be ex-president has allegedly said that he will devote himself to gardening after he stands down.