Qazaqstan: Adios to the Apostrophe

20 Feb

19 February 2018

Astana has announced a new version of Qazaq’s latin alphabet using 32 symbols and ditching the much maligned apostrophe version launched last year.

Despite only unveiling the new alphabet in October last year, the Leader of the Nation has now changed his mind and the apostrophe-heavy alphabet has now been strangled before its birth in 2025 in favour of a diacritic-laden version.

There was an immediate reaction on social media with the Twitter hashtag #A’po’s’t’rof’dunS’a’qtap’Qal’  (#SaveTheApostrophe) getting at least three likes as pro-apostrophe fans defended the October version of the alphabet.



New Kleptis Merchandise: Presidential Pearls of Wisdom Notebooks

16 Feb

Kleptis Merchandise has just launched its brand-new, innovative product. Presidential Pearls of Wisdom Notebooks™ provides those fortunate enough to be in close proximity to a presidential personage a worthy place to record those wise nuggets, bon mots and classic put-downs that trip so lightly from the region’s presidential lips.

No denizen of the royal palaces should be without these dignified, elegantly-bound volumes. Watch as your shelf at the office or at home sees a growing collection of volumes, always ready for you to dip into for presidential inspiration. Prices began at $100 per volume.

“These volumes are simply magnificent and a pleasure to hold,” Lord Venal says. “I never go anywhere without several, whether to a presidential palace or a humble nightclub.”

The unique initial offer from Kleptis Merchandise sees three of these volumes for the price of four. Bulk orders for those with frequent access to presidents can also be arranged. Volumes can be adorned with national or presidential symbols for a modest extra fee.

Presidential Pearls of Wisdom Notebooks™ Introductory Offer

PO Box 999

Abuja, Nigeria

Wire funds direct to:

Kleptis Incognito Account, Impeccable Nigerian Bank, Abuja, A/c No. KLEPT499

NOTE: For reasons beyond our control, the special saiga-skin bound volumes envisaged for the Kazakh market are no longer available. A reasonable substitute will be sent to all those who have already submitted pre-issue orders

Venal Praise for Tajikistan’s “Innovative” Election Law Changes

12 Feb

Lord Venal – a seasoned observer of elections in the region and a specialist on election law – has praised Tajikistan’s recent amendments to the election law as “innovative”. He welcomes the reduction of the minimum age for any future candidate for the presidency (once the current incumbent decides that he no longer wishes to rule) from 35 to 30 as “self-evidently necessary”.

“What is innovative is the simultaneous reduction in the maximum age to 35,” Lord Venal adds, pointing to a provision not so far widely noted. “But here comes the clever bit – each year the age band rises by one year, both the minimum and maximum ages. That is a stroke of genius.”

Lord Venal is unfussed by deputies’ ultimate decision not to adopt the proposal that any candidate must have the same surname as the previous incumbent. “I could well imagine that were I president, I might want my daughter to succeed me and she might have a different surname.” Asked if he has a daughter who might be in line to inherit his title, Lord Venal responded: “I am sure I have a daughter or two somewhere, I can’t honestly remember.”

Where McMafia meets Game of Thrones

30 Jan

30 January 2018

The International Boxing Association (Aiba) hit the headlines over the weekend when it appointed controversial businessman and suspected mafiosi Gafur Rakhimov its interim President.

Well-known in the world of boxing, this Uzbekistan born sports administrator – he’s been vice president of Aiba since 1998, is also thought to be a major figure in organised crime circles originating out of the former Soviet Union – as portrayed in the BBC drama McMafia.

In December 2017, the US treasury department named Rakhimov as offering  “material support” for the so-called ‘Thieves-in-Law” group – described as a “Eurasian crime syndicate that has been linked to a long list of illicit activity across the globe,” according to the Treasury Department’s Office of Foreign Assets Control Director John E. Smith.

Rakhimov fell foul of Gulnara Karimova, eldest daughter of late president Islam Karimov, when she was in her prime and running amok in Tashkent, grabbing businesses as it pleased her.

Rakhimov was forced into exile in Dubai. Later he allegedly said he would gain revenge by making Gulnara and her sister Lola “run naked through the streets of Tashkent – Game of Thrones fans will see the similarity here to Cersei Lannister’s naked Walk of Shame through the streets of King’s Landing, as pointed out by @GoldenTent on twitter.


“Let them Eat Cake”

29 Jan

29 January 2018

Qazaqstan’s Marie Antoinette Cake Making Institute in Astana has praised the recent attention in the media and social media to the long-prized art of making and consuming lavish cakes.


“We should all admire and applaud the 1,500-kilogram cake recently consumed in Shymkent – even if it was made by a Russian,” the Institute’s gateaumeister, Immodest Tortuly, told Kazaxia. “Next time such an impressive cake will be made here in Qazaqstan. We echo the famous words of Marie Antoinette, who maintained that cakes were for everyone, not just the rich.”

kazaxia asked Mr Tortuly if he was aware what happened to Marie Antoinette. “Tell me, what did happen to her?” he asked.

Astana’s Death Star Heading for London?

26 Jan

26 January 2018

It looks like Lord Venal’s lobbying is finally paying off as bigwigs in London have agreed to his ambitious scheme to bring Astana’s Death Star to the UK capital’s skyline.


Astana’s Nur Alem, aka The Death Star, which London wants to ape

Plans were unveiled on Wednesday for the Golf Ball, a daring declaration of intent for post-Brexit Britain. According to the plans seen by kazaxia, a huge glass orb, dwarfing St Paul’s Cathedral, may be constructed by east London’s Olympic Park.
Screen Shot 2018-01-26 at 13.31.22.png

London’s proposed riposte to Astana’s Death Star – the Golf Ball

Lord Venal was so impressed with Expo 2017’s Nur Alem pavillion, dubbed the Death Star by one hack, that he started hassling his London contacts to bring a similar Star Wars-themed glass globe to London.
“In these Brexitian times it is vital that London match Astana in its global ambition if it wants to remain a key financial centre after Britain crashes out of the EU,” the good Lord told kazaxia.
“That’s why London needs its very own Death Star to show the world that, like Astana -the fruit of Elbasi’s great vision, it is open for business.”

Once Upon a Time in Amerika

20 Jan

20 January 2018

Qazaqstan’s diplomats in Washington deny absolutely that novice president Trump used an offensive word to their visiting president in their White House encounter, kazaxia has learnt.

don_and _nureke

What did the president just say?!?

“Trump did not use that word,” they insisted. “He may lack the long years of experience of our leader, but would not dream of insulting our great and wonderful homeland known throughout the world as a beacon of tolerance and human rights which people are striving to enter, not to flee.”

Diplomats also denied reports that Trump intended to build a wall between Qazaqstan and the United States. “This would not stop enterprising Americans managing to reach Qazaqstan to seek refuge,” one Qazaqstani diplomat joked. “Our banks are already full of money stashed by worried Americans seeking a safe haven.”