The Sultan’s PR: “I would’ve done it cheaper – and better!”

16 May

16 May 2018

As Uzbekistan’s high-level delegation descends upon Washington DC, gaining lashings of positive PR along the way, Lord Venal has vented his lingering sorrow and distress that Kazakhstan’s embassy in Washington did not choose him to provide PR support for visionary President Nursultan Nazarbayev’s landmark visit to President Donald Trump at the White House in January.

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POTUS welcomes the Kazakh delegation to the White House

“This summit was historic and put any other summit completely in the shade,” the well-connected peer told Kazaxia. “Even a Trump/Little Rocket Man summit would pale in comparison. Why the Kazakhstan Embassy went for such PR amateurs is a mystery to me.”

The Embassy’s choice of Portland PR Inc cost the country $95,000. “For much less than that I would have arranged wall-to-wall TV coverage, including prime-time on the major networks, a dedicated website and mobile phone app, a book tie-in deal with my old friend Jonathan Aitken, and an option on a multi-million dollar Netflix movie. All they could manage as far as I can see is two billboards outside Effing Missouri.”

Lord Venal had earlier voiced distress that his mooted book on life inside Akorda was summarily binned after Trump’s unhappy experiences.

“Those of us in the PR business have to take the rough with the smooth,” Lord Venal sighed, as he clutched his cocktail in a fashionable nightclub. His young companion smiled sympathetically.

 

 

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POTUS to Face no Charges over Qazaq Flag-gate

10 May

9 May 2018

US President Donald Trump is to face no charges over an incident when he wrapped himself in the Qazaq flag during President Nazarbayev’s visit to the White House in January.

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Let’s make Qazaqstan great!

The decision came as part of a general amnesty for 9 May – the day that commemorates the cessation of hostilities in World War 2 for former Soviet Union countries.

Abusing the state flag usually carries a hefty sentence in Qazaqstan, which operates a strict zero tolerance policy, but due to President Drumpf’s diminished responsibility, it was decided no further action would be taken at this moment in time.

Lady Fudge, a prominent member of Lord Venal’s legal team, told kazaxia that taking legal action would have created problems, especially in the light of arch-rival Uzbekistan sending a high-level delegation headed by President Mirziyoyev to the White House later this month.

“In Qazaqstan once charges are pressed you are de facto considered guilty until proven guilty so if the case involving POTUS had made it to court, it would almost certainly have ended in a conviction,” Lady Fudge said.

(Editor’s note: the acquittal rate in Qazaqstan hovers around 1%)

Gardening Craze Hits Washington

24 Apr

24 April 2018

The fashion for gardening amongst Central Asia’s Leaders for Life has flown across the Atlantic or over the Pacific and landed on the sculpted lawns of the White House.

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Stop digging! Trump and Macron plant a tree in Washington

The craze, which started last July, was exclusively reported on kazaxia. Now it seems that France’s President Macron has brought the horticultural mania to the heart of political power in the USA as he encouraged his fellow president to get stuck in and help plant an oak he’d brought with him.

Venal Recalls Uchkuduk 1992 Summit

15 Mar

15 March 2018

On the momentous occasion of most of Central Asia’s leaders getting together in Astana for a chinwag, Lord Venal remembers the last time all Central Asia’s leaders gathered together on the Ides of March.

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“I’ll never forget the look on Islam’s face when Saparmurat (aka Turkmenbashi) gave him that Turkmen hat,” he recalled with a tear in his eye for the only two Central Asian leaders to have died in office. “And of course, that was before Turkmenbashi started dyeing his hair.”

“It was back in 1992 in Uchkuduk, Uzbekistan” he recalled over a glass of merlot or two in an Astana wine cellar. “I remember that the meeting was held in a constructive manner, with many issues discussed and a joint statement was signed after the meeting.”

 

Qazaqstan: The Pest from the West

2 Mar

2 March 2018

After 2 days of spring, a snowstorm, dubbed the Pest from the West, has hit Almaty.

Just two days ago, people were lapping up the early spring sun on terraces but now winter is back with a vengeance.

In Almaty, roads remain open, all schools are working and trains are running on time, albeit overheated on board.

Qazaqstan: Adios to the Apostrophe

20 Feb

19 February 2018

Astana has announced a new version of Qazaq’s latin alphabet using 32 symbols and ditching the much maligned apostrophe version launched last year.

Despite only unveiling the new alphabet in October last year, the Leader of the Nation has now changed his mind and the apostrophe-heavy alphabet has now been strangled before its birth in 2025 in favour of a diacritic-laden version.

There was an immediate reaction on social media with the Twitter hashtag #A’po’s’t’rof’dunS’a’qtap’Qal’  (#SaveTheApostrophe) getting at least three likes as pro-apostrophe fans defended the October version of the alphabet.

 

New Kleptis Merchandise: Presidential Pearls of Wisdom Notebooks

16 Feb

Kleptis Merchandise has just launched its brand-new, innovative product. Presidential Pearls of Wisdom Notebooks™ provides those fortunate enough to be in close proximity to a presidential personage a worthy place to record those wise nuggets, bon mots and classic put-downs that trip so lightly from the region’s presidential lips.

No denizen of the royal palaces should be without these dignified, elegantly-bound volumes. Watch as your shelf at the office or at home sees a growing collection of volumes, always ready for you to dip into for presidential inspiration. Prices began at $100 per volume.

“These volumes are simply magnificent and a pleasure to hold,” Lord Venal says. “I never go anywhere without several, whether to a presidential palace or a humble nightclub.”

The unique initial offer from Kleptis Merchandise sees three of these volumes for the price of four. Bulk orders for those with frequent access to presidents can also be arranged. Volumes can be adorned with national or presidential symbols for a modest extra fee.

Presidential Pearls of Wisdom Notebooks™ Introductory Offer

PO Box 999

Abuja, Nigeria

Wire funds direct to:

Kleptis Incognito Account, Impeccable Nigerian Bank, Abuja, A/c No. KLEPT499

NOTE: For reasons beyond our control, the special saiga-skin bound volumes envisaged for the Kazakh market are no longer available. A reasonable substitute will be sent to all those who have already submitted pre-issue orders