2 October 2017
Here’s the latest picture in our occasional series ‘The Gardening Dictator’ with Tajikistan’s President Emomali Rahmon visiting an experimental intensive orchard called ‘Leader of the Nation’ in Khatlon province.
Turkmenistan: President Cleans up at Indoor Melon Games
18 Sep18 September 2017
The sporting event of the year that the world has been waiting for with bated breath is finally upon us as the Indoor Melon Games opens its doors to the public in Turkmenistan.
Nervous contestants compare their melons ahead of the 100m melon dash (image taken from: https://www.inwhatlanguage.com/turkmenistan-melon-day-farmers/)
After years of painstaking preparations, the games, which are thought to have cost in the region of $25 billion, are finally ready for the off. The stadium, built in the shape of an oversized melon, has a seating capacity of 120,000.
A jubilant double-fisting president celebrates after winning the 100m melon dash (Igor Sasin / AFP)
Turkmen President Gurbanguly Berdimukhamedov caused an upset in the 100m melon dash when he appeared from nowhere to leave his compatriots, holding a single melon each hand, for dust.
Quite a feat when you consider that he was nestling two melons in his arms.
Venal Disses ‘Azerbaijani Laundromat’ Links
16 SepLord Venal has angrily denied suggestions that he might have been a beneficiary of funds dished out by the “Azerbaijani Laundromat”. (Rather charmingly, it had to be explained to the Good Lord what a laundromat is – as well as why this term has been attached to a country he knows and loves.)
“If being polite and cordial to Azerbaijani gentlemen who ply one with caviar and handwoven rugs is a crime – I plead guilty,” Lord Venal explained. “If accepting the kind hospitality of such gentlemen who invite one to their delightful country, give one a veritable guided tour of their nightclubs where one can meet such charming young ladies, and depart from their country with one’s luggage slightly heavier than when one arrived, I can only say that polite gratitude is the height of manners that my parents taught me to respect.”
Lord Venal rejects insinuations that such hospitality offered him affected the way he presented Azerbaijan’s image around the world. “Azerbaijan is a delightful country, and no one needs to hand over wodges of cash for me to say so!” he snorts. “And the fact that I have – on numerous occasions – made pointed remarks about how beastly and ungentlemanly the Armenians are is wholly unconnected to my frequent visits to Baku. Besides, the Armenians have never ever invited me there.
Lord Venal also wishes to point out how vigorously he has worked to help his good Azerbaijani friends support the economies of a number of Caribbean islands out of their own personal funds. Such financial support can only be especially welcome in these trying times for the Caribbean.
Venal’s Safe Haven: Caribbean Concerns Allayed: Nothing Lost
12 Sep13 September 2017
We have all watched with concern and dismay the devastating impact of the hurricanes and storms sweeping through the Caribbean. Lord Venal has expressed his extreme distress, as someone who knows and loves these picturesque island paradises, of which he is a staunch friend and supporter. He recalls how he was only recently in the idyllic British Virgin Islands.
He knows of the wide concerns across Central Asia as television pictures of the destruction spread. He received calls from his good friends and colleagues as far afield as Turkmenistan and Tajikistan, highly concerned – if not distressed – at the destruction.
Having re-established contacts on the stricken islands, Lord Venal can now reassure all those worried people that their investments in Kleptis Anonymous Investment Fund (BVI) and Kleptis Away from Prying Eyes Fund are absolutely secure and any such concerns can be completely allayed.
Kazakhstan: EXPO 2017 Hits and Misses
11 Sep11 September 2017
With Astana’s EXPO 2017 done and dusted, kazaxia is having a look at some of the hits and misses at Kazakhstan’s window to the world, which was on the theme of Future Energy.
Crowds heading to Nur-Alem aka the Death Star
Top prize, of course, goes to Kazakhstan’s pavilion Nur-Alem, unflatteringly dubbed the Death Star by Foreign Policy. This was the biggest draw of the event with crowds queuing for hours to check out the eight floors of interactive displays on the green energy theme.
Queueing to enter Nur-Alem at EXPO 2017
kazaxia’s particular favourite was the pedal-powered race which saw two teams face off to pedal as fast as they could and generate energy.
Pedal power face off in Nur-Alem
Special mention goes to Uzbekistan, which fully embraced the Future Energy concept with its Chevrolet (formerly Uz-Daewoo) Matiz adapted to run on a hydrogen-powered fuel cell.
Uzbekistan’s fuel-cell powered Matiz
Turkmenistan seemed more intent on pushing President Gurbanguly Berdymukhammedov’s books and the upcoming Asian indoor martial arts fest in Ashgabat.
A warm welcome to Turkmenistan’s pavilion
Georgia’s pavilion predictably focused on wine production, ignoring the Future Energy message, but the kazaxia special prize was reserved for Russia with its novel take on the theme – it proposed using nuclear-powered ice breakers to crash through the ice cap to get at the fossil fuel deposits lurking in the depths of the Arctic Ocean.
The EXPO circus now moves on to the UAE leaving Astana with the task of transforming the site into a regional financial centre. Nur-Alem will remain as a museum for the general public to keep riffing on the green energy vibe.
Central Asian Leader Gardening Craze Goes Viral
6 JulInspired by yesterday’s gardening blog from Turkmenistan, Kazakhstan’s spritely leader Nursultan Nazarbayev, who turns 77 today, has also channelled his inner gardener.
Gurbanguli’s Top Gardening Tips
5 JulAmid the heat of summer, Lord Venal enjoys nothing more than a cocktail in a shady garden on a cool evening before heading out for a nightclub. He admires those who toil away thanklessly to create a beautiful garden paradise. He was, therefore, inspired by the latest, lavishly-illustrated volume from his good friend Gurbanguli Berdymukhamedov.
Turkmenistan’s inspirational president is known not just for his wise governance and literary and musical endeavours, but for his skills outdoors, including sporting prowess (notably horse riding) and gardening.
Here are his top tips from his latest book, Golden Fingers for a Golden Age, together with some of the charming illustrations:
Tip No. 1: Make sure you are appropriately dressed
When digging the land and planting a tree, it is important to ensure you and any friends are wearing suitable clothing. You cannot go wrong with a dark lounge suit, appropriate for all weathers, though sometimes a white shirt and natty tie will suffice.
Tip No. 2: Decorate your gardening spot to make a pleasant setting
Gardening has to be an all-encompassing experience, so laying down a carpet or two surrounding the plot you are to dig always brings a little elegance.
Tip No. 3: Make sure the ground is well prepared
Nothing speeds a spot of gardening more than having a team of people working ahead of time, so that planting a tree, for example, takes almost no time at all.
Tip No. 4: Always ensure you have a good team of admirers and photographers
Nothing helps create a pleasant atmosphere for a spot of gardening than bringing along a posse of cheerful admirers, complete with TV and still cameras. Some of the best shots can form the basis of a home movie or a souvenir album to remind you of the relaxing moments in the fresh air.
Tip No. 5: Don’t forget to water your plants
Before you leave, finish off the fun by watering your plants well. Especially when it is raining.
UK Election: Venal Sticks His Oar In
2 JunControversial election observer Lord Venal is back in the UK to monitor next week’s General Election.
With his good friend Theresa Maybot nosediving in the opinion polls, Venal singled out London’s Evening Standard for criticism.
“This left-wing rag is showing unprecedented bias against the Supreme Leader. Its polls are fake news designed to tarnish the image of our great leader at this crucial time in Albion’s history,” he said, referring to the newspaper that is edited by former Chancellor of the Exchequer, Gideon Osborne – a sworn enemy from within the Tory party ranks of the Maybot.
“My own polling shows the Maybot on 83%, the loony lefties on 5% and the Lib Dems and Greens on 2% with the other parties accounting for the rest of the votes.”
As a staunch Tory, Venal was strictly on message when he parroted: “We need to stand united; Brexit means Brexit. Only strong and stable government can deliver a stable and strong government.”
Venal recently courted yet more controversy when he urged the UK to follow Central Asia’s lead and send the undeserving poor and public sector workers to the fields to harvest strawberries to make up for an expected fall in cheap labour following Brexit.
“Teachers get six weeks summer holiday – who else gets this much time off? We should tear them away from their Guardians and put these lazy layabouts to work in the fields of Albion; at a stroke this would slash immigration by thousands,” he told anyone who would listen whilst holding court in his local boozer, pint in one hand, Daily Mail in the other.
The good Lord is hoping to profit big time from Brexit. He has been in Central Asia drumming up business for the independent UK, offering shortbread for Tico Tuk Tuks. He recently removed his Uz Daewoo Tico conversion plant from Tyneside to Cyprus to continue benefitting from EU subsidies after Britain’s pullout from the bloc.
Ashgabat Blues Over Dictatorland
7 AprWe have received the following missive from an acquaintance of Lord Venal, who recently had cause to be in the Turkmen capital Ashgabat.
Somewhat disappointed by the closing of all nightclubs at an unearthly early hour, he was gratified to receive a personal invitation from President Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedov to drop by at one of his elegant palaces. “After a few drinks, His Excellency pulled out his guitar and treated me and the young ladies present to some of his favourite songs, all written by himself! Knowing I’m from distant Albion, we then settled down to watch the latest BBC production, Dictatorland, which His Excellency enjoyed, but only up to a point. Knowing that a friend from my (rather minor) public school works in the upper echelons of the BBC, he immediately dashed off a letter for me to pass on, which I reproduce below.”
To Director of BBC
London
England
Dear esteemed Sir!
I watched your fine show Dictatorland (thanks to excellent Hola!!) which show success in fellow region leaders in important task keeping order and maintaining popular support and stability in country Kazakhstan, Tajikistan, Belarus. You know these leaders follow me in my example how to keep good order on streets, even if in some way they act very primitive, like dictator of tinpot. We here in Turkmenistan famous not needing to shoot people on street like you showed in Kazakhstan, or beating people. We keep order by kindness and goodness of all police officers and lofty wisdom of president (myself).
So why then BBC not ask to come to Turkmenistan? We do not understand this incomprehensible decision. You only need to address yourself to me I arrange everything for you. See nice things, meet nice people. I let you interview me (but note you don’t ask questions, just stand up and write down everything I say in little notebook). You make good programme very popular around world and give glory to my country.
I look forward I hear from you with offer of coming to Turkmenistan.
Gurbanguly
(President)
A Capital New Idea for Uzbekistan?
1 AprFollowing his visit to Kazakhstan’s glitzy capital Astana last week, Uzbek president Shavkat Mirziyoyev, Sheva to his mates, has decided that he wants a bling-bling capital for himself and has set his sights on moving Uzbekistan’s capital from Tashkent to Uchkuduk, in the centre of the country.
Uchkuduk: set to change from this… … to this?
Uzbekistan’s rubber stamp parliament is set to give its approval to the move in a special session called for today. Moving the capital is being seen as a further consolidation of Sheva’s power – he has certainly been ringing the changes since his predecessor, Islam ‘Butch’ Karimov, died last year.
Uchkuduk, founded in 1958 as a Soviet ‘secret city,’ is in an ideal location for the capital as it is in the dead centre of Uzbekistan. It is at the heart of gold and uranium mining in the country and can be reached, with some difficulty, from all the main towns and cities.
President Mirziyoyev first heard about Uchkuduk at young pioneers’ camp in the 1980s via Yalla’s smash hit ‘Uchkuduk’. The president craves a Trump Tower as a centrepiece of the ambitious new capital and is keen on getting Mr Trump’s money men in the Kremlin on the case when Sheva and his boys visit Moscow later this year. Russian PM, Jimmy Bear, always on the lookout for a canny investment, is sure to be one of the first in line with a sackful of freshly laundered cash.
Kazaxia 