Kazaxia

It’s election time once again in Kyrgyzstan and Lord Venal popped down to Osh to observe proceedings. Here’s his preliminary report.

One thing I can say for Kyrgyzstan – it sure knows how to put on a great election. With 14 parties to choose from, the voters were spoilt for choice – a rare occurence these days in Central Asia.

In hospitality as well Kyrgyzstan is second to none. I will never forget the ‘guinea pig in a spiky shuba on a bed of dill’ which was served as part of the pre-observation luncheon feast.

Hedgehog in a spiky shuba, Osh, Kyrgyzstan

When observing I rely on a constant drip of espresso to keep my senses sharp. Unfortunately, my hotel’s supplies of black gold were all consumed by my fellow observers and I had to move to other stimulants. I was amply provided with my own teapot filled with either green or white chai for the duration of my trip.

Lord Venal’s teapot

While taking a break from the hectic schedule of observation I bumped into kazaxia’s all-purpose political commentator Gary Kefali. He expressed concerns that the voters were baffled by the huge choice of parties on offer and were unable to decide who to vote for.

This is in stark contrast to elections in Uzbekistan, Kazakhstan and the USA where the electorate are offered a limited choice, enabling them to make their minds up quickly.

The All Kazakhstan Union of Boozers and Imbibers (AKUBI) is mulling a moral damage claim after posters appeared on Almaty streets claiming that the consumption of alcohol turns people into pigs.

“As a muzhik I like to have a few drinks to help myself unwind. I was shocked and humiliated when I saw one of my favourite pastimes denigrated in such a fashion,” an anonymous drinker told kazaxia last night in the Golden Pug Bar and Grill, referring to the pig poster.

“As an ardent supporter of AKUBI, I will be taking up the case with my local rep. If those people from the Kurmangazy Conservatory can get a million [tenge] each for their hurt feelings, then I feel, as a boozer, that I am entitled to similar compensation.” [Editor’s note: For more on the Kurmangazy/Pushkin gay kiss click here]

Lord Venal has hit back angrily at a smear campaign aimed at discrediting his recent observer mission to Azerbaijan’s presidential elections. Opposition activists posted images online of a naked gentleman at an airport who they claimed was Lord Venal. It was claimed that the seasoned observer had been turfed off Kleptis Air flight KP 119 from Baku to Ercan, Northern Cyprus for being drunk and disorderly.

Image posted by activists allegedly showing Lord Venal at Baku airport.

Lord Venal denies categorically that the man in the photograph is him. The good Lord had been in Baku for a brief visit to observe the election, which he found to be ‘all above board’. He praised the innovative use of new technology which saw an app unveiled that would save people the need to vote in future. He was also touting for business for Kleptis Petroleum, who paid all the costs of his trip.

The results of the grand fish off competition that has kept Eurasian observers enthralled over the summer are finally in – and there’s a surprise victor.

Many observers expected that recent divorcee Vladimir Putin was a shoe in for the prize after he nabbed a monster 21 kilo pike in late July.

Not content with that feat, Putin followed up by nabbing Teddy Snowden, the NSA whistle-blower, in a Moscow airport.

Not to be outdone by Russia’s little macho man, moustachioed Belarusian head honcho, Alexander Lukashenko, landed a whopper catfish, tipping the scales at 57 kilos.

The biggest catch of the summer, however, went to the wily old fox of Kazakh politics, Nursultan Nazarbayev, who didn’t get his hands wet with fishing,but instead landed a prize catch in the form of fugitive billionaire banker Mukhtar Ablyazov, in France.

With Armenia set to join the Customs Union soon, next year’s competition is likely to be watermelon carrying; a sport at which the new kids on the Customs Union block excels at.

Kazaxia is proud to announce an exciting tie-up with #Boratwatch for David Cameron’s visit to Kazakhstan next week.

Kazaxia, in combination with #Boratwatch, will be closely monitoring the UK press for gratuitous Borat remarks over the course of the visit.

A prize of a mankini, one previous owner, will be awarded to the most gratuitous mention of Mr Sagdiev in connection with the visit.

Since the closure, bars in Tashkent had been in the embarrassing position of running out of supplies in the middle of an evening’s drinking. The shutdown also had a negative effect on beer production, which is thought to have fallen by around 20% in 2012.

The revamped Sarbast label features a health warning in Uzbek and Russian outlining the dangers of alcohol consumption. In recent years the authorities in Tashkent have made alcoholic drinks harder to find, restricting sales to specialist outlets.