“F**K Detroit:” Forgotten US city on the verge of joining Putin’s Customs Union

7 Mar

The Spektator, Kyrgyzstan’s  finest “rarely published guide to what’s happening in and around Bishkek”, has kindly contributed the following piece on the escalating crisis in Ukraine. Is Detroit set to be the next  Crimea, despite what Martha Brill Olcott thinks … 

DETROIT, March 7, (The Spektator) – The mood on the streets in Detroit, Michigan, is tense. After pitch battles waged in industrial scrap yards between pro-Union and pro-Eurasian Union paramilitary forces, interim Mayor Dave Bing announced today that Motor City will be holding a referendum on joining the Moscow-inspired trade bloc comprising Russia, Kazakhstan and Belarus in the coming weeks. President Barack Obama’s administration in Washington has registered its “relative concern” at the news.

The announcement of the referendum, which most agree will see Detroit secede from the United States and become a puppet state of the Russian Federation, is being portrayed by international media as yet another victory for Kremlin strongman Vladimir Putin over his geopolitical foes on Capitol hill. Municipal officials in Buffalo and Allentown were rumored to be considering their options when Kazaxia went to press, while William Peduto, Mayor of Pittsburgh caused waves on Thursday after telling journalists he wanted his city “to be the next Donetsk”. Peduto denies the comment showed “separatist intent”.

With Russia standing accused of parachuting Slavic grandmas into Detroit in order to vote ‘yes’ in the upcoming vote, the White House released a weakly-worded statement via a spokesperson today, reminding Vladimir Putin that “Detroit is not the Crimea. This is a city located fairly close to cities we consider under our protection, such as Chicago. The United States government is committed to resolving the political crisis in its former industrial heartlands through wishy washy diplomacy and empty bluster.”

Meanwhile, the benefits of annexation/integration for Detroit’s struggling economy are questionable. Immediately after the referendum announcement, Russia’s state-owned manufacturing giant RustBelt pledged to spend “several thousand rubles” revamping Detroit’s disused steelworks, while President of KrapKar, Vladislav Aragonov, has promised similar sums to revive the city’s decrepit auto industry. In comments reminiscent of Henry Ford, Aragonov told citizens of Detroit they would be able to have “any car they want, as long as it’s a Zhiguli classic.”

But despite the Eurasian Union’s seeming lack of appeal, Dave Bing, an NBA Hall of Famer now serving as the city’s mayor for the second time since retiring from professional basketball in 1978, has emerged as an unexpected Kremlin ally. “President Putin is a judo black belt. I want to get Detroit’s kids off the streets and back onto the basketball courts,” Bing told Kazaxia today by telephone. “President Putin tells me Russia doesn’t have a drug problem. That is why I am urging citizens to vote ‘yes’ in this referendum.”

As worried Americans made calls for the US army to get off its ass and do something about the situation, Eurasian Affairs commentator Frederick Upstarrt moaned to Kazaxia that the lack of response to the Detroit crisis was “yet another sign that President Obama is prepared to abandon parts of the world he doesn’t care about to Moscow’s aggression.”

Upstarrt’s reference to U.S indifference may have more than a grain of truth to it. In an FSB-intercepted phone call between Assistant Secretary of State Victoria Nuland and the governor of Michigan, Jack Snideman March 5, Nuland is alleged to have said: “This is a city the UN should be helping glue back together, and, you know, f**k Detroit.”

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One Response to ““F**K Detroit:” Forgotten US city on the verge of joining Putin’s Customs Union”

  1. Anon March 24, 2014 at 1:53 pm #

    While industry may certainly also be involved, I can’t avoid thinking that it is only a small part of a much grander scheme: While the KHL has been successfully expanding across Europe (new teams in the Czech Republic, Croatia, Finland and Slovakia) in order to truly live up to its name, this expansion has recently ceased to continue. Sweden, a key hockey market in Europe, even actively prevented the KHL access to its territory and the same has happened elsewhere.
    In a brilliant move to now truly span the continents, the KHL is aiming to sneakily get control of the Detroit Red Wings, otherwise also known as the West Swedish National Team due to the high percentage of Swedish players. Furthermore, the KHL would be able to secure the magic powers of Pavel Datsyuk.
    In light of the huge potential that this takeover entails – getting back at Sweden, expanding into the enemy’s key market, reclaiming a national superhero etc. – it is hard to discount this development as pure coincidence.

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