Kazaxia

29 January 2018

Qazaqstan’s Marie Antoinette Cake Making Institute in Astana has praised the recent attention in the media and social media to the long-prized art of making and consuming lavish cakes.

“We should all admire and applaud the 1,500-kilogram cake recently consumed in Shymkent – even if it was made by a Russian,” the Institute’s gateaumeister, Immodest Tortuly, told Kazaxia. “Next time such an impressive cake will be made here in Qazaqstan. We echo the famous words of Marie Antoinette, who maintained that cakes were for everyone, not just the rich.”

kazaxia asked Mr Tortuly if he was aware what happened to Marie Antoinette. “Tell me, what did happen to her?” he asked.

20 January 2018

Qazaqstan’s diplomats in Washington deny absolutely that novice president Trump used an offensive word to their visiting president in their White House encounter, kazaxia has learnt.

What did the president just say?!?

“Trump did not use that word,” they insisted. “He may lack the long years of experience of our leader, but would not dream of insulting our great and wonderful homeland known throughout the world as a beacon of tolerance and human rights which people are striving to enter, not to flee.”

Diplomats also denied reports that Trump intended to build a wall between Qazaqstan and the United States. “This would not stop enterprising Americans managing to reach Qazaqstan to seek refuge,” one Qazaqstani diplomat joked. “Our banks are already full of money stashed by worried Americans seeking a safe haven.”

19 January 2018

Today is Epiphany in the eastern Orthodox church – a day when hardy souls take a plunge into a icy pool to wash away their sins and commemorate the baptism of Jesus Christ. It’s also a time to stock up on some holy water.

Check out kazaxia’s photo-essay from Almaty’s Nikolsky Cathedral:

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

“About *****ing time!” and “What the **** took you so long?” were reportedly two of the expostulations from the presidential lips over Almaty officials’ foot-dragging in renaming local streets in his honour, according to rumours emerging from the royal palace in Astana. “The idiots are only seven years behind the Turks!”

Officials told Kazaxia on condition of anonymity (they’re not stupid) that the royal palace had repeatedly sent to akimats across Kazakhstan copies of Turkish press reports from 2010 covering the installation of an elegant 5-metre bronze statue of a seated Nazarbayev in Ankara’s Ataturk Boulevard and the renaming of a street in central Adana “Nursultan Nazarbayev Avenue”.

“Eventually the tenge dropped,” a royal palace flunkey told Kazaxia, with visible relief.

“Even the tinpot town of Comrat in Moldova has a statue of me!” the royal palace’s chief resident is said to have expostulated in frustration over the denseness of his compatriots.

Equilibrium is said to have been restored with Almaty officials’ belated rush to catch up with more progressive foreign leaders.

British senior statesman (and former jailbird) Jonathan Aitken is close to completing a lavishly-illustrated book “Immortalising the Dictator: An Encyclopedia of inspirational Nazarbayev Monuments Around the World”, due out in time for the Christmas market.

In an inspired move, Aitken has turned to Kazaxia’s old friend Lord Venal to provide a foreword. “Honoured and touched, I’m sure,” the good Lord said of his latest project, as he headed out on the arm of a charming young lady for an Almaty nightclub (or two)

17 November 2017

Eager young members of the presidential Nur Otan party have leapt into action across Kazakhstan to create “Let’s Drink Beer on the Streets!” groups to emulate their leader. Young people can be seen in towns and cities across Kazakhstan draped in the party and national flags gathering in groups to quaff cans of Kazbrew, despite the plummeting winter temperatures.

Cheers from Almaty!

The groups were founded to honour President Nursultan Nazarbayev’s comments while meeting Russian President Vladimir Putin in Chelyabinsk on 9 November that he had done just that when he was studying and working there. “Our president was too modest over many years in keeping to himself this heroic act,” one local group member told Kazaxia. “Let’s honour our president and follow in his footsteps.” (Kazaxia notes that this young man’s footsteps were none too steady.)

“This instant response by Kazakhstan’s young people shows their determination to follow the inspirational leadership of their president,” a Nur Otan spokesperson told Kazaxia. “If only all our youth were dedicated to such fine patriotic ideals.”

Kazaxia can only drink to this.