Lord Venal in Azeri Smear Campaign

10 Oct

Lord Venal has hit back angrily at a smear campaign aimed at discrediting his recent observer mission to Azerbaijan’s presidential elections. Opposition activists posted images online of a naked gentleman at an airport who they claimed was Lord Venal. It was claimed that the seasoned observer had been turfed off Kleptis Air flight KP 119 from Baku to Ercan, Northern Cyprus for being drunk and disorderly.

Image posted by activists allegedly showing Lord Venal at Baku airport.

Lord Venal denies categorically that the man in the photograph is him. The good Lord had been in Baku for a brief visit to observe the election, which he found to be ‘all above board’. He praised the innovative use of new technology which saw an app unveiled that would save people the need to vote in future. He was also touting for business for Kleptis Petroleum, who paid all the costs of his trip.

 

Another Busy Week for Kazakhstan’s Lawmakers?

4 Oct

Kazakhstan’s parliament has been sitting this last week and it has been grappling with one of the key issues that is preying on voter’s minds – same-sex relationships.

Never mind that many in this energy rich country are without running water and reliable energy supplies, or that some of the disaffected  have been turning to militant Islam in recent years. Lawmakers in the multi-party parliament, which consists of Nur Otan, the pro-presidential party, Ak Zhol, the pro-business and pro-presidential party, and the Communist pro-presidential party, have been getting hot under the collar over same-sex relationships.

As the debate was raging in parliament (or, more likely, deputy Bakhytbek Smagul took his colleagues on a rambling trip through his ill-informed thoughts on homosexuality), the head of the first department of the General Prosecutor’s Office, Almas Mukhamejanov, called for harsh penalties for another key issue in the country – human cloning.

Currently human cloning does not carry a custodial sentence in Kazakhstan, but Mukhamejanov suggested punishing human cloning by imprisonment for a term of 5 years, and up to 12 years if the crime was committed by an organized criminal group.

Kazaxia asked Lord Venal about these developments and he suggested that they might be linked to Tony Blair, who became a Catholic in 2007. His consultancy, Tony Blair Associates, is getting paid a packet (some sources claim $13 million a year) to advise Kazakhstan’s government.

Do the Blairites have a sinister anti-gay cloning message that they are trying to push onto the unsuspecting Kazakh public in the guise of consulting on governance?

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Alga Shaky Kangaroos!

1 Oct

Kazakhstan’s Shakhter Karagandy, better known to some UK supporters as the Shaky Kangaroos, is set to make its home debut in the Europa League this Thursday with the visit of Israel’s Maccabi Haifa to the Astana Arena, where Shakhter are playing its home legs. It is the first time a team from Kazakhstan has reached the group stages of Europe’s second tier contest.

Kazaxia is predicting a close run thing with both clubs losing their openers in Group L, with Shakhter losing 2-1 to Greece’s PAOK and Maccabi going down 1-0 at home to Holland’s AZ Alkmaar.

According to Lord Venal, the result will hinge on whether or not Shakhter will be allowed to sacrifice a sheep before the match. It was prevented from doing this before its second leg tie with Scotland’s Glasgow Celtic and subsequently lost 3-0 and failed to qualify for the Champions League.

The match has sparked a lot of interest in Kazakhstan with some fans even prepared to travel overnight by bus from the business hub of Almaty to the capital Astana.

For 20,000 tenge ($130) the bus will take the fans from Almaty’s Central Stadium to the Astana Arena with guaranteed match tickets, before making the 12-hour or so journey back down south. Kazaxia hopes that the trip will be worth it for these die hard fans.

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The Big Customs Union Fish Off

20 Sep

The results of the grand fish off competition that has kept Eurasian observers enthralled over the summer are finally in – and there’s a surprise victor.

Many observers expected that recent divorcee Vladimir Putin was a shoe in for the prize after he nabbed a monster 21 kilo pike in late July.

Not content with that feat, Putin followed up by nabbing Teddy Snowden, the NSA whistle-blower, in a Moscow airport.

(Photo:Agencies)

Not to be outdone by Russia’s little macho man, moustachioed Belarusian head honcho, Alexander Lukashenko, landed a whopper catfish, tipping the scales at 57 kilos.

The biggest catch of the summer, however, went to the wily old fox of Kazakh politics, Nursultan Nazarbayev, who didn’t get his hands wet with fishing,but instead landed a prize catch in the form of fugitive billionaire banker Mukhtar Ablyazov, in France.

With Armenia set to join the Customs Union soon, next year’s competition is likely to be watermelon carrying; a sport at which the new kids on the Customs Union block excels at.

Turkic Body Talk

13 Sep

Here’s an interesting image from last month’s meeting of the Turkic Council in Azerbaijan. Look who’s holding centre stage – yes, it’s none other than Kazakhstan President Nursultan Nazarbayev. Paying rapt attention to the elder statesman of Turkic politics are Kyrgyzstan’s President Almazbek Atambayev, Azerbaijan’s President Ilham Aliyev and his bespectacled friend. Turkey’s President Abdullah Gül looks on bemused as the others chat away, presumably, in Russian. Kazaxia’s favourite is the uncomfortable looking guy on the far left – Turkmenistan’s Vice-President Sapardurdi Toylıyev, who appears to be to nervous to catch anyone’s eye less he get into trouble back in Ashgabat.

Turkic Council not effective due to conflicting interests

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Kazakhstan: Reality vs. Image

18 Jul

Quick now, when’s the last time you read or heard anything about Kazakhstan in the Huffington Post?

I thought so. It was the July 1 story about a Russian rocket crashing in Kazakhstan after its launch (“Russian Rocket Crashes in Kazakhstan After Launch”).

No? Then surely it was the June 30 feature on British PM David Cameron’s trip to Atyrau and Astana to drum up some business for the UK and not discuss human rights too much less it offend his hosts (“David Cameron in Kazakhstan for Trade and Human Rights Talks”).

Not that either? Then it must have been the story about Borat (remember him?) from April 23, 2012 (“Borat Still Boosting Kazakhstan Tourism”).

No matter. The point is that Kazakhstan, a country the size of Western Europe with vast reserves of oil that rose from the ashes of the Soviet Union’s collapse in 1991 and has been ruled forever by Nursultan Nazarbayev, is rarely featured in the Huffington Post unless it’s a negative story or some free positive PR for the authorities in Astana (“Kazakhstan:Image vs. Reality”).

(with thanks to Al Eisele, Editor-at-Large, The Hill)

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Kazakhstan Slams UK Over Human Rights

1 Jul

Lord Venal, who was on the unofficial delegation tagging onto UK Prime Minister David Cameron’s visit to Kazakhstan, reports from an Irish bar in the snazzy capital Astana that Cameron sat stony faced as Kazakhstan President Nursultan Nazarbayev lectured him over Britain’s appalling  human rights record.

Citing deals with Saudi Arabia and Bahrain, and concerns over prisoners held in Guantanamo Bay, the Kazakh Leader of the Nation allegedly gave Cameron an uncomfortable audience.

Nazarbayev also apparently mocked the UK’s nascent democracy – Cameron was elected on a mere 36.1% of the vote, whereas Kazakhstan’s president polled 95.6%.

When asked about fictional British detective, Sherlock Holmes, the Leader sheepishly admitted to having watched a Soviet-era version of the detective’s adventures in foggy Albion.

Lord Venal was in town to drum up business for Kleptis petroleum. Having seen his lordship  partake of quite a few pints of Guinness, Kazaxia is unable to vouch for the veracity of the above comments.

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Kazaxia to Team Up with Boratwatch

28 Jun

Kazaxia is proud to announce an exciting tie-up with #Boratwatch for David Cameron’s visit to Kazakhstan next week.

Kazaxia, in combination with #Boratwatch, will be closely monitoring the UK press for gratuitous Borat remarks over the course of the visit.

A prize of a mankini, one previous owner, will be awarded to the most gratuitous mention of Mr Sagdiev in connection with the visit.

Elvis Lives – in Tashkent!

17 Jun

Good news for Central Asia’s Elvis  fans – Tashkent’s Elvis bar has finally reopened its doors.

The bar is decorated with Elvis memorabilia and posters of other iconic Western stars such as Marilyn Monroe and The Beatles. Sadly, the Elvis carpet, which used to adorn the bar’s ceiling, was nowhere to be seen.

On a recent Friday night, a local covers band was playing to a packed house, keeping the torch of rock music aflame in Uzbekistan despite the authorities attempts to counter the dangers of ‘moral degradation’ of the youth.  Western music forms such as Heavy Metal and Rap were criticised as being ‘Satanic music’ created by ‘evil forces’.

You can help keep the flame burning by following the Elvis bar on facebook.

 

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Beer’s Back in Tashkent

10 Jun
With the mercury rising in Tashkent, the re-appearance of the locally-produced Sarbast (independent) brand in bars and shops could not have come at a better time for the country’s thirsty beer drinkers.
 
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Beer is flowing freely once again in Uzbekistan after Carlsberg resumed production at its Tashkent plant. The company suspended its operations in March 2012 over a bitter tax dispute between the company and the Uzbek authorities.
 

Since the closure, bars in Tashkent had been in the embarrassing position of running out of supplies in the middle of an evening’s drinking. The shutdown also had a negative effect on beer production, which is thought to have fallen by around 20% in 2012.

The revamped Sarbast label features a health warning in Uzbek and Russian outlining the dangers of alcohol consumption. In recent years the authorities in Tashkent have made alcoholic drinks harder to find, restricting sales to specialist outlets.

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