Kazakhstan Issues New Guidelines to Journos

3 Jun

Kazakhstan’s Interior Ministry has issued a new set of guidelines for reporters asking them to ensure that they can be easily identified as members of the press when covering events in the country.

‘Journalists who cover mass actions must have their IDs, badges and the possible identification of the press badges: armbands, hats, vests with the words “press”, “media” to refer to their status,’ Almas Saudabaev, director of the Interior Ministry’s State Language and Information department told reporters.

The move follows a Keystone Cops-style incident in the capital Astana when more than 50 journalists were detained by the police at a non-existent protest rally on 21 May.

Lord Venal’s sweatshop in Taldykorgan has been working overtime to produce a range of hi-vis vests and masks for discerning journalists that conform to the new recommendations.

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While the vest will clearly help you stand out from the crowd and is fully waterproof, the mask is said to protect from the effects of tear gas and pepper spray. For a limited time only the vest and mask combo are available for a sensational $29.99.

In future, the police will be in their usual uniforms, often supplemented by riot gear, and the plain-clothes officers of the security services can be spotted in dark suits, black leather jackets and sunglasses.

To help the authorities, maybe anyone thinking of protesting about anything should don the following outfit:

 

 

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Astana Cycling Team Snatches Victory in Italy

30 May

The cash for the grand Astana sports project may be drying up, but the cycling team is not out yet as it pedalled to victory in the Giro d’Italia for the third time on 29 May.

Team Astana’s Vincente Nibali put in a plucky performance over the last few days, helped in no small part by long-term race leader Steven Kruijswijk’s crash at the start of the descent of the Coll dell’Agnello in stage 19 of the 21-stage race.

Nibali won the Giro for Astana in 2013, adding to Alberto Contador’s victory in 2008, but with the cash for the project drying up, as falls in the oil price have hit Kazakhstan’s coffers, Nibali could be on his way to join a new start-up cycling outfit in Bahrain.

Nibali rides next in the Tour de France in July, but is insistent that he will play second fiddle to Astana team leader Fabio Aru. Nibali is also targeting the Rio Olympics.

If the two-times Giro winner does pack his bags for the Gulf, then the cash-strapped Astana team will perhaps look to signing cycling wunderkind Peter Sagan on a miserly $4.5 million per year contract.

 

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Tajikistan: Notes from the Inside

26 May

Whiling away the final hours before his 4 am flight out of Tajikistan in a pleasant enough nightclub in Dushanbe after a heavy few days of referendum monitoring, Lord Venal borrowed a piece of paper to note down the phone numbers of some very helpful ladies who might be of assistance next time he is on a monitoring visit. Only later did his assistant translate what was on the other side, and it appears to be the first page of minutes of a cabinet meeting on the day after the referendum. Lord Venal cannot vouch for its authenticity, but readers might find it rather charming.

Secret

REPUBLIC OF TAJIKISTAN

23 May 2016

Special Cabinet meeting to review preliminary results of 22 May 2016 referendum

Chair: President of the Republic

Present: Prime Minister and deputies, Interior Minister, Justice Minister, Defence Minister, Chairman of National Security Committee, Chief of Anti-Corruption Agency, Chief of Staff

President: Thank you for rushing here today – I know the whole cabinet could not make it. I think we can say that the referendum yesterday went very well. I was touched by the extent of the people’s support.

Chief of Staff: Yes, well done Dad.

Chief of Anti-Corruption Agency: Yes Dad, that was a good bit of work.

President: Now don’t you start getting ideas. I’m still going to be fit and healthy in 2020.

Chief of Staff: You tell him – I remember when he was born. What if I put all those photos of him up on Instagram? That would stop any chances he ever thought he’d have.

Chief of Anti-Corruption Agency: Look that’s not fair. And you used to boss me around when Mum wasn’t looking.

President: Look, kids, calm down. It was only a referendum. We can have them any time we want. But what we need to do now [text cuts off here]

 

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Tajikistan Mulling CentAsexit?

24 May

Lord Venal is just back from observing Tajikistan’s referendum, which gave a resounding yes vote to some controversial proposals.

After the referendum, that was conducted in a spirit of tolerance and democracy on 22 May, it is looking increasingly likely that Tajikistan will opt to leave Central Asia in a move dubbed CentAsexit.

Dushanbe has long contended that Central Asia in its current form is an undemocratic, Turkic-speaking club with the other members bullying poor little Tajikistan over water and its right to construct the Rogan dam.

Long-time leader, Shah Rahmon, whose unlimited term rights  were confirmed in the referendum, argues that Tajikistan would be a better fit in a Farsi-centric bloc called Middle Asia, comprising Iran, Afghanistan and the Tajik nation.

The referendum also paved the way for the Shah’s son to ascend the throne in good time. This will be following in the footsteps of other regional potentates such as Azerbaijan’s Ilam Aliyev who succeeded his father Heydar Aliyev, and Syria’s Bashar al-Assad, who ascended to the throne after the demise of his father, Hafez al-Assad. That all went well, didn’t it …

 

 

 

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Kazakhstan Goes after Muckrakers

6 May

 

With protests over land sales breaking out across Kazakhstan like a hydra on steroids, the authorities are coming down hard on what it deems to be rumour spreading.

The latest media outlet to come in the crosshairs is First Channel Eurasia, which is 20% owned by the Russian government. The channel recently broadcast a programme in which it alleged that the recent protests were being bankrolled by mysterious “outside” forces.

The programme, Analitika, made unsubstantiated claims that people attending the meetings were being paid “between $50 and $150 dollars”.

This claim was later picked up by a regional governor. “Why should we listen to those hiding in the West? Why should we work for Western money? Where is our national pride?” the governor asked, in a report quoted in the Kazakhstani media.

kazaxia’s political wizzard, Gerry Kafali, commented: “In these uncertain times, the authorities will be doing all they can to contain rumours and muckspreading. It is highly irresponsible of media outlets and officials to be peddling such disinformation.”

It awaits to be seen whether these unfounded comments constitute a breach of the rumour spreading law, which carries a maximum sentence of 10 years.

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Kazakhstan Society up in Arms over Holding Handsgate

4 May

kazaxia has been granted permission to reprint the following article from upstart news agency Appropriated Press.

Almaty (Appropriated Press) – Rights organizations and LGBT activists have condemned a case that opened in Kazakhstan’s commercial capital Almaty against several local websites that republished a photograph which opponents claim violates “moral values” by displaying “nontraditional sexual relations, which are unacceptable to society”.

The image – widely shared on social media – shows two elderly men holding hands, while onlookers smile. Although both men are dressed in formal suits and are apparently in some kind of palace, it does not appear to be a wedding ceremony.

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The controversial image (taken from http://news.am/eng/news/322083.html)

The case is being heard in the same Almaty court as a notorious case in October 2014, when an advertising agency was fined for a poster showing the poet Alexander Pushkin and composer Kurmangazy Sagyrbayuly enjoying a passionate kiss.

Kazakhstan retains conservative social values and a controversial law that would have banned “gay propaganda” was halted by the Constitutional Council in May 2015 only after it had passed through both chambers of the rubber-stamp parliament.

However, those shown on the image of the elderly men holding hands are unlikely to face prosecution any time soon. One has been identified as Recep Tayyip Erdogan, president of Turkey. When Appropriated Press sought comment from a Turkish diplomat in the capital Astana, the response took the form of expletives and threats to take the news agency to court.

The other individual turns out to be Kazakhstan’s own president Nursultan Nazarbayev. His position affords him immunity from prosecution.

But some LGBT activists are underwhelmed by the photo. “As an expression of the two men’s mutual affection, it’s pretty lukewarm,” one commented to Appropriated Press. “It’s nothing like the famous 1979 kiss between Soviet leader Leonid Brezhnev and East German leader Erich Honecker. That was a real step forward for LGBT recognition in the then Soviet Union.”

 

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Make their Money Work Harder with Venal Kleptis Offshore

13 Apr

With the sad demise of Mossack Fonseca’s offshore arrangements following the revelations in the Panama Papers about where the rich and infamous stash their ill-gotten gains, Lord Venal is pleased to announce that he is teaming up with Kleptis Kapital, a North Cyprus-based offshore financial group, to provide bespoke money hiding services.

Security from the prying eyes of the taxman and other assorted busybodies – that is what  the Venal Kleptis Offshore (VKO) fund can offer to canny investors. You’ve spent years avoiding taxes, creaming off money from various sources and laundering it and that is why we want to ensure that their money works the hardest it can for you.

VKO uses the latest encryption security to ensure that your dirty laundry will never be aired in public. Put your trust in VKO and we’ll do the rest to help your savings grow and grow.

Testimonials:

Vlad Rutin (Judo teacher, Russia) “Whilst I have no money myself, I advised my good friend, cellist Serge Doldugin to invest some of his billions in Venal Kleptis Offshore and I’m pleased to say that he has no regrets about this decision.”

Radiga Aliyeva (Singer, Kazakhstan) “Venal Kleptis have some most attractive vehicles for me to stash my late husband’s ill-gotten gains in.”

Dave Cameron (Plumber, UK) “Whether I have now or at any time benefitted from funds invested in VKO is purley a private matter.”

 

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Kazakhstan: The Nomad Will Sail Again

7 Apr

Lord Venal has received this heartfelt, tear-stained appeal by a civic-minded patriot on behalf of a young man in need and commends it to readers’ attention.

On reading the leaked documents from the Panama Papers, I felt – like many – acute pain and sadness over the revelations affecting our beloved homeland Kazakhstan. I was particularly pained to learn about the sufferings of the young man Nurali Aliyev, who has seen his very own yacht cruelly taken away from him. This is a man who, at the tender age of just 4, took on the responsibility of being the president’s grandson. A man who took on the onerous responsibility of running a bank when he was just 22. In addition to his many other tasks he also reluctantly agreed to be deputy akim of Astana though, in grief at his recent devastating loss, has chosen to withdraw into seclusion.

Even recounting the sad tale of his yacht brings tears to my eyes. Although it was purchased in 2008, Nurali was too devoted to his duties to spare even half a day to sail on her. Then, while in transit in the Mediterranean, the modest vessel was grievously damaged in a storm. Without the funds to repair his beloved yacht, Nurali was forced to part with her for just one British pound. With scarcely a tenge to his name, Nurali’s dreams of having a yacht once more died with the enforced sale.

This fine servant of the people has toiled tirelessly for the good of his nation, never seeking publicity for himself but content to remain in the shadows. Will our nation remain indifferent to his suffering? Please give generously (and anonymously) to the fund to replace his stricken yacht. All donations to:

The New Nomad Fund
Samruk-Kazyna (BVI) Ltd.
PO Box 1
Road Town
Tortola

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Welcome to Kazakhstan!

1 Apr

After a long flight, what better welcome can there be than a foaming cup of kumis, fermented mare’s milk, and a baursaki or two, a tasty savoury doughnut?

These staples of Kazakh cuisine have been offered to visitors arriving in Taldykurgan International Airport in a trial scheme reminiscent of Georgia’s freebie bottle of wine for new arrivals.

Now plans are being considered to roll out the kumis and baursaki welcome to other airports in this Central Asian country, that prides itself on its hospitality, from 1 April.

Lord Venal himself tried the treat when he arrived recently to observe the elections in March.
“It was a lovely gesture to be offered such a refreshing pick-me-up on arrival,” Lord Venal told kazaxia.

“I’m all in favour of expanding this superb initiative and might I suggest Kazakhstan follow Georgia’s lead and offer a bottle of Arba wine from the Assa Valley?” he added as he wandered off in search of a cosy bar.

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Kazakhstan: Tractor Spat Splits Commies

18 Mar

Kazakhstan’s communists have been rocked by a tractor controversy ahead of Sunday’s parliamentary election.

When the Communist People’s Party of Kazakhstan kicked off the election season with an anti-Western stunt little did they expect that it would cause a deep rift in the ranks of the cadres.

An election-themed hoarding in downtown Almaty

An election-themed hoarding in downtown Almaty

Mels Melsovich Melsov, a communist from a long line of communists, was appalled when his comrades used a tractor to crush some old vhs tapes.

“Why should we stoop to using this Western agricultural import – are our hoes and feet not good enough to smash this menace?” Melsov fumed to kazaxia.

Melsov was so incensed that he decided to form his own breakaway party ahead of the election on 20 March.

“My party, the People’s Communist Party of Kazakhstan, represents the true path for the people of our beloved country, not these Western-leaning upstart counter-revolutionaries,” he added, beginning to foam at the mouth.

The stunt was supposed to represent the rejection of decadent western culture and its pernicious influence on people’s minds. Melsov donated a vhs tape from his private collection from the mid-90s – ‘Roxette – Live in Tirana’.

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