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Desktops for Despots

28 Sep

28 September 2018

Kleptis Elegant Presidential Desk Ornaments™


“Mine’s the biggest!”

Important Advisory Notice from Shilling and Pence

It has come to our client’s notice that untrue, fallacious and unsubstantiated rumours are circulating that their unique malachite range of elegant presidential desktop sets, so widely favoured by occupants of presidential office in the Kremlin in Moscow and across the region, somehow conceal listening and monitoring devices designed to eavesdrop on conversation, computer and mobile phone communications.


“Are you sure you want to hand it over?”

Our client absolutely, completely and utterly refutes, rejects and contests these unfounded rumours. They are absolutely without foundation, substance or basis.

Kleptis Elegant Presidential Desk Ornaments™, a company long established in the British Virgin Islands, sells these distinguished ornaments in good faith and solely, completely and utterly for the sole, only and unique aim of providing pleasure to our customers.


“Mine’s got chocolate inside”

For the avoidance of doubt, anyone considering, contemplating or preparing to repeat such slanderous claims must stop, cease and desist.


“Can you get me one at least this big?”

Lord Venal of Whissendine in the County of Rutland, while in no way, manner or form connected to the company either directly, indirectly or via any third party, whether financially or otherwise, has also asked us to make absolutely, thoroughly and utterly clear that any repetition of these unfounded, untrue and slanderous claims will be met with a robust legal response, whether in the courts of the British Virgin Islands or any other appropriate jurisdiction.

Shilling and Pence, London EC4


(Tracksuit not included)

Lord Venal adds: These elegant malachite sets to grace any presidential desk – adorned with your country’s coat of arms or national flag – are still available exclusively for those of presidential rank. Prices start from $499,000, including shipping and installation.


Islam Karimov: A Life in Pictures

3 Sep

03 September 2018

It’s been two years since Uzbekistan’s first president Islam Karimov shook off this mortal coil.

To mark this momentous occasion, we have collected together some images from an exhibition on the life and times of President Karimov held earlier this year in Tashkent.

We hope you enjoy them as much as we did!

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Astana Turns 20

10 Jul

10 July 2018

kazaxia is just back from a trip to the capital, Astana, which celebrated its 20th birthday last Friday, coincidentally the same day as President Nursultan Nazarbyev turned 78.

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To mark this momentous occasion, the good burghers of Qazaqstan kindly sent presents to Astana such as a fish-shaped bridge and a botanical garden, while the city also received an international financial centre, soon to be located on the premises of EXPO 2017.




Happy Birthday Astana!

6 Jul

6 July 2018

As Qazaqstan’s iconic capital turns 20, we couldn’t resist publishing this pic of long-term autocratic leader, Nursultan Nazarbayev, doing a spot of gardening ahead of his 78th birthday on the same day! Happy Birthday from all the team at kazaxia!


Venal in Psychic Spat with Saiga

16 Jun

16 June 2018

Lord Venal has reacted angrily to Psychic Saiga’s predictions for the group stage.

After the saiga dissed hosts Russia’s chances he dubbed the long nosed antelope with supposed psychic powers “Psychedelic Saiga” – a reference to the magic mushrooms that are part of the saiga diet.

A shamanistic spokesperson for Psychic Saiga told the good lord: “to hold onto his horses. Russia put five past Saudi Arabia but that doesn’t mean they’ve actually won the cup yet,” in remarks emailed to kazaxia.

He alluded to a secret weapon called “the Salah” that Egypt is expected to unleash against the Russians next week. He made no comment on Morocco’s slim chances after their last minute defeat to Iran.

Turning to groups C and D, Psychic Saiga is tipping France and Peru to advance along with Argentina and Croatia.

As for the remaining groups, here’s how the visionary saiga sees it:

Group E: Germany and Mexico

Group F: Brazil and Switzerland

Group G: Belgium and England

Group H: Columbia and Poland



Russia 2018: The Return of Psychic Saiga!

14 Jun

14 June 2018

It’s been four long years, but with the World Cup about to kick off in Russia, kazaxia has finally managed to track down Psychic Saiga, that elusive soccer tipster, and he’s pointing to France as the competition winners.

Screen Shot 2018-06-13 at 16.15.39

Psychic Saiga, a long-nosed antelope with paranormal powers, who is located in a secret location somewhere on the steppe in Kazakhstan, is predicting a victory for France over Brazil in the 2018 World Cup Final in Russia.

Psychic Saiga makes his choices by pointing his right horn at lamb bones bearing an etching of the national flags of the competing teams. This time round, he’s predicting that France will triumph over Brazil in the final, while Peru and Portugal will be the losing semi-finalists, with the Portuguese grabbing third place on penalties for Christian Ronaldo’s swan song.

When asked to make two choices for Group A, the long-nosed antelope with special powers controversially pointed at Egypt and Uruguay to progress, with host-nation Russia unceremoniously dumped out in the group stage, discounting the notion of home advantage – Russia are the weakest team in the tournament, according to FIFA’s latest rankings.

He also made his predictions for Group B, with Portugal and Morocco expected to advance, suggesting that Morocco will take advantage of strong favourites Spain’s disarray – they sacked their manager just before the start of the tournament. This will make up for Morocco’s disappointment in failing in their bid to host the 2026 World Cup Finals.

For more predictions of who will get through the group stages, follow us here on kazaxia or follow @psychicsaiga on twitter.

Saigas, which are members of the antelope family, once roamed the Eurasian steppe from the foothills of the Carpathian Mountains and the Caucasus into Mongolia and Dzungaria. Their numbers are now critically endangered, with 60% of the world population wiped out in a mysterious epidemic in 2015.  Nowadays, saiga herds are restricted to remote areas of Kazakhstan, Russia, Uzbekistan and Turkmenistan

The Sultan’s PR: “I would’ve done it cheaper – and better!”

16 May

16 May 2018

As Uzbekistan’s high-level delegation descends upon Washington DC, gaining lashings of positive PR along the way, Lord Venal has vented his lingering sorrow and distress that Kazakhstan’s embassy in Washington did not choose him to provide PR support for visionary President Nursultan Nazarbayev’s landmark visit to President Donald Trump at the White House in January.


POTUS welcomes the Kazakh delegation to the White House

“This summit was historic and put any other summit completely in the shade,” the well-connected peer told Kazaxia. “Even a Trump/Little Rocket Man summit would pale in comparison. Why the Kazakhstan Embassy went for such PR amateurs is a mystery to me.”

The Embassy’s choice of Portland PR Inc cost the country $95,000. “For much less than that I would have arranged wall-to-wall TV coverage, including prime-time on the major networks, a dedicated website and mobile phone app, a book tie-in deal with my old friend Jonathan Aitken, and an option on a multi-million dollar Netflix movie. All they could manage as far as I can see is two billboards outside Effing Missouri.”

Lord Venal had earlier voiced distress that his mooted book on life inside Akorda was summarily binned after Trump’s unhappy experiences.

“Those of us in the PR business have to take the rough with the smooth,” Lord Venal sighed, as he clutched his cocktail in a fashionable nightclub. His young companion smiled sympathetically.