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Panto Season Opens Early in Central Asia

23 Nov

Along with extreme snowy weather, the pantomime season has arrived early this year in Central Asia.

That veteran performer from Uzbekistan, GooGoosha, will recreate one of her most famous roles on the Tashkent stage – Sleeping Beauty. The audience will no doubt revel in shouting “Oh yes she is!” and “Oh no she isn’t!” as it ponders whether she is dead or merely sleeping.

There will be plenty of opportunities for shouts of “Behind you!” with a host of suspects lining up to surprise the slumbering princess – such as the ugly sisters (played by Security Service head Rustam Innoyatov and his sidekick, presidential hopeful Shavkat Mirziyoyev) and the real life figures of her estranged mother and  her younger sister, Lola.

Across the border in Kazakhstan, there are plans for a revival of ‘Carry on Cleo‘, with the infamous line “Infamy, infamy. They’ve all got it in for me!” The past year has seen trouble on all sides for Astana with land protests metamorphosing into a coup plot led by a beer baron, and religious militants on the rampage in Aktobe, so it seems apt that this comedy classic will get a fresh lease of life.

 

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Free Skating in Almaty, Rok

18 Nov

OK, so we take it all back – there is some good value to be had In Kazakhstan after all. Halyk Arena opened its doors this week, offering free ice skating to Almatinians until the end of the year.

Back in 2011 this very blog berated Kazakhstan for being a rip-off, but now we’ve been forced to reassess that opinion as free skating arrives in its commercial capital, Almaty.

Skating fans should head for the 3,000 capacity Halyk Arena, one of the main venues for next January’s Winter Student Games, or Universiade (The Olympics for university students) in Almaty, to take advantage of a freebie spin on the ice.

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Sunkar, the games’ mascot, gets ready to take to the ice at the Halyk Arena 

 

The newly-built facility was launched this week and is Kazakhstan’s first sports facility to have struck a naming rights deal. The nation’s biggest bank, Halyk Bank, has paid an undisclosed fee for the right to have its name attached to the stadium for three years.

One of the aims of holding the games is to promote winter sports among the population, so it was good to see loads of kids joining Sunkar, the mascot of the Almaty games, on the ice at the arena opened its doors earlier this week.

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Sunkar and his young friends on the ice

The free skating offer is on Friday evenings (20.00-22.00), and all day on Saturday and Sunday and runs until 31 December. Skates can be hired, for a fee, at the rink.

The Universiade starts on 28 January and runs until 8 February. Halyk Arena will host the Men’s Ice Hockey tournament.

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Kazakhstan Issues New Guidelines to Journos

3 Jun

Kazakhstan’s Interior Ministry has issued a new set of guidelines for reporters asking them to ensure that they can be easily identified as members of the press when covering events in the country.

‘Journalists who cover mass actions must have their IDs, badges and the possible identification of the press badges: armbands, hats, vests with the words “press”, “media” to refer to their status,’ Almas Saudabaev, director of the Interior Ministry’s State Language and Information department told reporters.

The move follows a Keystone Cops-style incident in the capital Astana when more than 50 journalists were detained by the police at a non-existent protest rally on 21 May.

Lord Venal’s sweatshop in Taldykorgan has been working overtime to produce a range of hi-vis vests and masks for discerning journalists that conform to the new recommendations.

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While the vest will clearly help you stand out from the crowd and is fully waterproof, the mask is said to protect from the effects of tear gas and pepper spray. For a limited time only the vest and mask combo are available for a sensational $29.99.

In future, the police will be in their usual uniforms, often supplemented by riot gear, and the plain-clothes officers of the security services can be spotted in dark suits, black leather jackets and sunglasses.

To help the authorities, maybe anyone thinking of protesting about anything should don the following outfit:

 

 

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Astana Cycling Team Snatches Victory in Italy

30 May

The cash for the grand Astana sports project may be drying up, but the cycling team is not out yet as it pedalled to victory in the Giro d’Italia for the third time on 29 May.

Team Astana’s Vincente Nibali put in a plucky performance over the last few days, helped in no small part by long-term race leader Steven Kruijswijk’s crash at the start of the descent of the Coll dell’Agnello in stage 19 of the 21-stage race.

Nibali won the Giro for Astana in 2013, adding to Alberto Contador’s victory in 2008, but with the cash for the project drying up, as falls in the oil price have hit Kazakhstan’s coffers, Nibali could be on his way to join a new start-up cycling outfit in Bahrain.

Nibali rides next in the Tour de France in July, but is insistent that he will play second fiddle to Astana team leader Fabio Aru. Nibali is also targeting the Rio Olympics.

If the two-times Giro winner does pack his bags for the Gulf, then the cash-strapped Astana team will perhaps look to signing cycling wunderkind Peter Sagan on a miserly $4.5 million per year contract.

 

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Kazakhstan Goes after Muckrakers

6 May

 

With protests over land sales breaking out across Kazakhstan like a hydra on steroids, the authorities are coming down hard on what it deems to be rumour spreading.

The latest media outlet to come in the crosshairs is First Channel Eurasia, which is 20% owned by the Russian government. The channel recently broadcast a programme in which it alleged that the recent protests were being bankrolled by mysterious “outside” forces.

The programme, Analitika, made unsubstantiated claims that people attending the meetings were being paid “between $50 and $150 dollars”.

This claim was later picked up by a regional governor. “Why should we listen to those hiding in the West? Why should we work for Western money? Where is our national pride?” the governor asked, in a report quoted in the Kazakhstani media.

kazaxia’s political wizzard, Gerry Kafali, commented: “In these uncertain times, the authorities will be doing all they can to contain rumours and muckspreading. It is highly irresponsible of media outlets and officials to be peddling such disinformation.”

It awaits to be seen whether these unfounded comments constitute a breach of the rumour spreading law, which carries a maximum sentence of 10 years.

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Kazakhstan: The Nomad Will Sail Again

7 Apr

Lord Venal has received this heartfelt, tear-stained appeal by a civic-minded patriot on behalf of a young man in need and commends it to readers’ attention.

On reading the leaked documents from the Panama Papers, I felt – like many – acute pain and sadness over the revelations affecting our beloved homeland Kazakhstan. I was particularly pained to learn about the sufferings of the young man Nurali Aliyev, who has seen his very own yacht cruelly taken away from him. This is a man who, at the tender age of just 4, took on the responsibility of being the president’s grandson. A man who took on the onerous responsibility of running a bank when he was just 22. In addition to his many other tasks he also reluctantly agreed to be deputy akim of Astana though, in grief at his recent devastating loss, has chosen to withdraw into seclusion.

Even recounting the sad tale of his yacht brings tears to my eyes. Although it was purchased in 2008, Nurali was too devoted to his duties to spare even half a day to sail on her. Then, while in transit in the Mediterranean, the modest vessel was grievously damaged in a storm. Without the funds to repair his beloved yacht, Nurali was forced to part with her for just one British pound. With scarcely a tenge to his name, Nurali’s dreams of having a yacht once more died with the enforced sale.

This fine servant of the people has toiled tirelessly for the good of his nation, never seeking publicity for himself but content to remain in the shadows. Will our nation remain indifferent to his suffering? Please give generously (and anonymously) to the fund to replace his stricken yacht. All donations to:

The New Nomad Fund
Samruk-Kazyna (BVI) Ltd.
PO Box 1
Road Town
Tortola

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Welcome to Kazakhstan!

1 Apr

After a long flight, what better welcome can there be than a foaming cup of kumis, fermented mare’s milk, and a baursaki or two, a tasty savoury doughnut?

These staples of Kazakh cuisine have been offered to visitors arriving in Taldykurgan International Airport in a trial scheme reminiscent of Georgia’s freebie bottle of wine for new arrivals.

Now plans are being considered to roll out the kumis and baursaki welcome to other airports in this Central Asian country, that prides itself on its hospitality, from 1 April.

Lord Venal himself tried the treat when he arrived recently to observe the elections in March.
“It was a lovely gesture to be offered such a refreshing pick-me-up on arrival,” Lord Venal told kazaxia.

“I’m all in favour of expanding this superb initiative and might I suggest Kazakhstan follow Georgia’s lead and offer a bottle of Arba wine from the Assa Valley?” he added as he wandered off in search of a cosy bar.

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Kazakhstan: Tractor Spat Splits Commies

18 Mar

Kazakhstan’s communists have been rocked by a tractor controversy ahead of Sunday’s parliamentary election.

When the Communist People’s Party of Kazakhstan kicked off the election season with an anti-Western stunt little did they expect that it would cause a deep rift in the ranks of the cadres.

An election-themed hoarding in downtown Almaty

An election-themed hoarding in downtown Almaty

Mels Melsovich Melsov, a communist from a long line of communists, was appalled when his comrades used a tractor to crush some old vhs tapes.

“Why should we stoop to using this Western agricultural import – are our hoes and feet not good enough to smash this menace?” Melsov fumed to kazaxia.

Melsov was so incensed that he decided to form his own breakaway party ahead of the election on 20 March.

“My party, the People’s Communist Party of Kazakhstan, represents the true path for the people of our beloved country, not these Western-leaning upstart counter-revolutionaries,” he added, beginning to foam at the mouth.

The stunt was supposed to represent the rejection of decadent western culture and its pernicious influence on people’s minds. Melsov donated a vhs tape from his private collection from the mid-90s – ‘Roxette – Live in Tirana’.

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Is Kazakhstan Mulling a Sisi Bid?

26 Feb

Egypt’s President Sisi has arrived in Astana for a two-day visit and speculation is rife that Kazakhstan may be pondering a bid for the leader who offered to sell himself for the good of Egypt on 24 February.

“If it were possible for me to be sold, I would sell myself,” President Sisi said in a speech on state television.

Immediately, a spoof page appeared on Ebay and bids quickly reached $100,000. The page was subsequently taken down.

“It’s not so unusual that leaders from one country go on to advise other countries – look at Tony Blair and Mikheil Saakashvili,” kazaxia’s politics expert Gary Kefali said today. “But with bidding having already reached $100,000, I think that in the current economic climate, this secondhand leader would be overpriced.”

Kazaxia went down to Carrefour supermarket in Almaty to get the public’s views on this move.

“I think that he [President Sisi] has done a great job in Egypt to ensure stability and unity,” said Nurik, a pensioner doing his weekly shop in the cut-price hypermarket. “$100,001 would be a fair price to bring his expertise to bear on our continued stability here and maybe get these carrots cleaned up.”

President Sisi is thought to be the first Egyptian leader to visit  Astana since Tutankhamun visited in 1325 BC.

 

 

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Kazakhstan Hands Wooden Spoon to Latvia

13 Oct

Kazakhstan pulled off a sensational victory in Riga last night to condemn Latvia to last place in their UEFA 2016  European Championship qualifying group.

Islambek Kuat’s 65th-minute goal was enough to see off the Latvians and ensure that Kazakhstan edged their former Soviet Union rivals on goal difference in Group A. The win was Kazakhstan’s first in this round of qualification matches and means it avoided the wooden spoon which is now in Latvia’s hands.

The Czech Republic headed the group followed by Iceland. Turkey also qualified for the finals in France next summer as the best third-placed  team. The Netherlands could only finish fourth in the group and will not be going to the finals.

The win comes at a time when Kazakhstan’s all-powerful Nazarbayev clan are sniffing around the national football federation. President Nursultan Nazarbayev’s grandson, Aisultan Nazarbayev, made his case for the top job in football in Kazakhstan in an interview with to Sports.kz last week citing his extensive soccer experience.

Aisultan Nazarbayev, the son of the president’s eldest daughter Dariga Nazarbayeva and Rakhat Aliyev, who committed suicide  in an Austrian prison cell earlier this year while on remand facing murder and kidnapping charges.  Aliyev was a former head of Kazakhstan’s football federation so Aisultan Nazarbayev would be following in his father’s footsteps if he gets the nod for the job.

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