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Welcome to Kazakhstan!

1 Apr

After a long flight, what better welcome can there be than a foaming cup of kumis, fermented mare’s milk, and a baursaki or two, a tasty savoury doughnut?

These staples of Kazakh cuisine have been offered to visitors arriving in Taldykurgan International Airport in a trial scheme reminiscent of Georgia’s freebie bottle of wine for new arrivals.

Now plans are being considered to roll out the kumis and baursaki welcome to other airports in this Central Asian country, that prides itself on its hospitality, from 1 April.

Lord Venal himself tried the treat when he arrived recently to observe the elections in March.
“It was a lovely gesture to be offered such a refreshing pick-me-up on arrival,” Lord Venal told kazaxia.

“I’m all in favour of expanding this superb initiative and might I suggest Kazakhstan follow Georgia’s lead and offer a bottle of Arba wine from the Assa Valley?” he added as he wandered off in search of a cosy bar.

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Kazakhstan: Tractor Spat Splits Commies

18 Mar

Kazakhstan’s communists have been rocked by a tractor controversy ahead of Sunday’s parliamentary election.

When the Communist People’s Party of Kazakhstan kicked off the election season with an anti-Western stunt little did they expect that it would cause a deep rift in the ranks of the cadres.

An election-themed hoarding in downtown Almaty

An election-themed hoarding in downtown Almaty

Mels Melsovich Melsov, a communist from a long line of communists, was appalled when his comrades used a tractor to crush some old vhs tapes.

“Why should we stoop to using this Western agricultural import – are our hoes and feet not good enough to smash this menace?” Melsov fumed to kazaxia.

Melsov was so incensed that he decided to form his own breakaway party ahead of the election on 20 March.

“My party, the People’s Communist Party of Kazakhstan, represents the true path for the people of our beloved country, not these Western-leaning upstart counter-revolutionaries,” he added, beginning to foam at the mouth.

The stunt was supposed to represent the rejection of decadent western culture and its pernicious influence on people’s minds. Melsov donated a vhs tape from his private collection from the mid-90s – ‘Roxette – Live in Tirana’.

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Is Kazakhstan Mulling a Sisi Bid?

26 Feb

Egypt’s President Sisi has arrived in Astana for a two-day visit and speculation is rife that Kazakhstan may be pondering a bid for the leader who offered to sell himself for the good of Egypt on 24 February.

“If it were possible for me to be sold, I would sell myself,” President Sisi said in a speech on state television.

Immediately, a spoof page appeared on Ebay and bids quickly reached $100,000. The page was subsequently taken down.

“It’s not so unusual that leaders from one country go on to advise other countries – look at Tony Blair and Mikheil Saakashvili,” kazaxia’s politics expert Gary Kefali said today. “But with bidding having already reached $100,000, I think that in the current economic climate, this secondhand leader would be overpriced.”

Kazaxia went down to Carrefour supermarket in Almaty to get the public’s views on this move.

“I think that he [President Sisi] has done a great job in Egypt to ensure stability and unity,” said Nurik, a pensioner doing his weekly shop in the cut-price hypermarket. “$100,001 would be a fair price to bring his expertise to bear on our continued stability here and maybe get these carrots cleaned up.”

President Sisi is thought to be the first Egyptian leader to visit  Astana since Tutankhamun visited in 1325 BC.

 

 

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Tico Tuk-Tuk

29 Jan

Lord Venal is constantly roaming the world in search of new business opportunities. On a recent visit to Sihanoukville, Cambodia, he finally found a use for his garage of Uz-Daewoo Ticos – some innovative Cambodians have taken the body of the Tico and fitted a raised platform to the back of the car creating the Tico tuk- tuk!

Lord Venal has amassed an extensive collection of secondhand Ticos over the years on his business trips and election monitoring visits to Uzbekistan. This symbol of automotive excellence is considered by many in the know to be the finest car ever to come out of Andijan, Central Asia’s Motor City. Now it can have a new lease of life as the perfect way to cool down on those balmy days of chilla while scooting around Tashkent.

Not to be outdone, Uz-Daewoo’s other famous comapct car, the Matiz, has also undergone  a tuk-tuk transformation at the hands of the Sihanoukville masters. But there was no sign of a Nexia tuk-tuk cruising the beachfront boulevard.

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Sensational Statue Offer for 2016

26 Jan

Lord Venal’s email box is constantly deluged with spam messages, but after receiving this unsolicited advert he was curious to know if any reader has tried this company’s services. As his father passed away not long ago and he was seeking a suitable monument for his (sadly rather neglected) Rutland estate, this seemed a gift from above (well, at least from the British Virgin Islands). But you can never be too careful. All advice on their suitability gratefully received.

Never forget what your Dad looks like….

Ever embarrassed at forgetting what your Dad really looked like? Need a reminder for the grandchildren of what a great bloke your late lamented Dad was? Now we have the ideal solution for you, available at competitive rates to suit any ruler’s pocket:

http://www.statuesofmydad.com

Arrange for one of our representatives to make a sympathetic visit, where you can discuss how you would like your esteemed late lamented parent to be represented. We offer a range of sizes, materials and styles to suit all tastes, from highly tasteful to extravagantly tacky. Choose a matching plinth to complete the package.

Once you have made your selection, we present a video image of the model statue for approval. We then manufacture the artwork using our skilled craftsmen in our own workshops, before careful transportation and installation of the finished product.

…NEW THIS MONTH… Buy 3, get 1 free!

Testimonials:

“Despite their name this company actually did a very nice statue of my Mum” – Mr. Turkmenbashi, Turkmenistan

“I’ve used this company more times than my staff care to remember – I can never have too many statues of my Dad. They are so uncannily alike, they’re spooky” – Mr. H. Aliyev, Azerbaijan

prezident_mingecevir_24022015_03

“Hello Dad!” – Mr Aliyev kindly sent a picture from his family album of his visit to his favourite statue.

“The statues provided of our Eternal President were delivered on time and under budget” – Mr. Kim Jong-il, North Korea

“Well, we might just as well have gone back to the same company again” – Mr. Kim Jong-un, North Korea

Newly launched….

By popular request, we have now launched an additional line – please go to our new dedicated website for more details:

http://www.statuesofmygranddad.com

Solving your location problems also…

Having trouble finding locations for all these statues of your beloved relative? Running out of suitable locations in your own properties? Not a problem! Our sister company can help. They will find parks in any number of beautiful cities of the world who will fall over themselves to offer a place of honour specially for YOUR Dad.

http://www.parksformydadstatue.com

Our specialist consultant can run through the various packages available, ranging from a simple installation in a corner of an existing beautiful park, to the Golden Park Package. This premium package is not to be missed and includes:

– full renovation of a tired and run-down park into a beautiful shrine to your beloved relative

– bulldozing any unsightly nearby buildings which harm the aesthetic ambience

– renaming the entire new park in your ancestor’s honour

– a complete set of top-ranking political, artistic and religious leaders from the host city and nation to grace the opening ceremony

– recording of opening ceremony for prime television coverage on all local and international broadcast channels

– threatening and smearing any ungracious local who fails to see the benefits of honouring your ancestor in a beautiful, prime city location.

Kazakhstan Hands Wooden Spoon to Latvia

13 Oct

Kazakhstan pulled off a sensational victory in Riga last night to condemn Latvia to last place in their UEFA 2016  European Championship qualifying group.

Islambek Kuat’s 65th-minute goal was enough to see off the Latvians and ensure that Kazakhstan edged their former Soviet Union rivals on goal difference in Group A. The win was Kazakhstan’s first in this round of qualification matches and means it avoided the wooden spoon which is now in Latvia’s hands.

The Czech Republic headed the group followed by Iceland. Turkey also qualified for the finals in France next summer as the best third-placed  team. The Netherlands could only finish fourth in the group and will not be going to the finals.

The win comes at a time when Kazakhstan’s all-powerful Nazarbayev clan are sniffing around the national football federation. President Nursultan Nazarbayev’s grandson, Aisultan Nazarbayev, made his case for the top job in football in Kazakhstan in an interview with to Sports.kz last week citing his extensive soccer experience.

Aisultan Nazarbayev, the son of the president’s eldest daughter Dariga Nazarbayeva and Rakhat Aliyev, who committed suicide  in an Austrian prison cell earlier this year while on remand facing murder and kidnapping charges.  Aliyev was a former head of Kazakhstan’s football federation so Aisultan Nazarbayev would be following in his father’s footsteps if he gets the nod for the job.

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Turkmenistan: The President who just keeps on winning

25 Sep

Kazaxia has received a dispatch from the future looking at the continuing sporting prowess of Turkmenistan’s very long-term potentate Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedov.

ASHGABAT, Turkmenistan – August 9, 2030 – With the first week of the 2030 Olympic Games in Turkmenistan’s capital Ashgabat already over, the country’s all-powerful President has stunned the sporting world by single-handedly heading the medal table. Still more remarkable, the 73-year-old Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedov wasn’t even a declared athlete and is half a century older than most of his competitors.
With gold medals already in a slew of equestrian and motor racing events, Berdimuhamedov appears also set to win gold in archery, shooting and swimming events. He only took part in these events on the spur of the moment at the insistence of the ecstatic crowds.
Yet the ever-modest president is dismissing the adulation his success has won him, particularly with the home crowds. ‘My competitors have put up a good fight and I have to applaud their wisdom in the way they competed,’ he told television audiences during a four-hour speech from the medal podium. The speech was followed by a four-hour ovation.
Track record
Berdimuhamedov’s sporting success appears to have begun soon after he became president of his gas-rich state back in 2007.
In April 2012, in one of his early notable successes, he came first in a time-trial challenge racing a Turkish-build Volkicar he was not even scheduled to be competing in. ‘While an event presenter introduced the president,’ The Associated Press reported, ‘he received a request nobody in Turkmenistan would be likely turn down. “Can I take part?” Berdimuhamedov asked.’
The president even took in his stride being thrown from his horse just after crossing the winning line in a famous horse-racing victory in April 2013. It turned out the 150 men in black suits who immediately ran to his assistance from all over the racing track were not needed as the president returned to claim his prize.
And as he won the 2015 Alfa Romeo cup, the state news agency reported breathlessly: ‘The cars fly, engines roar, the distance between them gets shorter and lengthens again on the bend, but then the Alfa Romeo No. 7 breaks away from its nearest pursuers and rushes forward, to victory!’
The 2017 Asian Indoor and Martial Arts Games saw the President sweep the medals board, again to tumultuous applause from an audience that could barely contain its excitement as long as the cameras rolled.
The Turkmen state media were similarly ecstatic over Berdimuhamedov’s victory at the 2019 Eurovision Song Contest in Andorra, and the 2021 Darts World Cup. A victory in the Scrabble Champions Tournament the same year was assured after a tense final, with the winning word ‘Arkadag’.

 

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Uzbekistan: Missing Pensioner Spotted in Beijing

3 Sep

Uzbekistan’s most famous awol pensioner is up to his old tricks again. Earlier this week he disappeared from the secure unit he resides in in Tashkent, Uzbekistan after making a speech on Uzbekistan’s Independence Day, 1 September.

Nothing was heard of Mr Karimov until 3 September when he was spotted at an event in Beijing, China glorifying the Soviet Union’s great victory over Japan in 1945.

Missing pensioner found by old buddies in Beijing

The plucky Soviets declared war on Japan on 8 August 1945,  two days after the first atomic bomb was dropped on Hiroshima and a day before the second was dropped on Nagasaki. The valiant Soviets managed to clear Imperial Japanese forces from mainland China in just over three weeks.

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Almaty Wheels out Big Guns for Winter Olympics Bid

29 Jul

In the final push for the right to host the 2022 Winter Olympics, Almaty has unveiled its secret weapons to wow the International Olympic Committee – figure skater Denis Ten and …. volleyball player Sabina Altynbekova.

As the delegates gather in Kuala Lumpur ahead of the vote on 31 July, Almaty is pulling out all the stops in its fight to the death with Beijing to host the games. Denis Ten won bronze at Sochi in 2014 in the figure skating and has been a fixture of the city’s bid.

Volleyball starlet Sabina Altynbekova.is not such an obvious choice to promote the bid to host the world’s premier winter sports spectacle. However, she is famous in Kazakhstan and beyond for her looks as well as her abilities on the volleyball court.

She rose to prominence last year at the Asian Under-19 Championships in the Taiwanese capital of Taipei. Her looks prompted hysteria with a Taiwan newspaper giving over 10 pages to photos of the 18-year-old and depictions of her as an anime character.

Some observers have suggested that a new event –  ice volley – could be included on the list if Almaty’s bid is successful. Apparently,this ancient sport can be traced back to the times when the Scythians roamed the Eurasian steppe.

 

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Kazakhstan: Almaty Sundowner Hotspots

26 Jun

Lord Venal has finally come round from the deep slumber he fell into after observing the elections in Kalachi, Kazakhstan. He was extremely thirsty when he awoke and immediately found some great new bars in Almaty for a sundowner or two that he wants to share with kazaxia’s readers.

Negroni bar Almaty

After my long slumber following my visit to monitor voting in Kalachi on April 26, caused by the soporiphic nature of the poll, I was overcome with an incredible thirst. I awoke in Almaty and headed out in search of refreshment.

My travels took me first to Negroni Bar on Kurmangazy, just down from Cafeteria. This new bar has hit on a novel idea for Almaty –  you design your own cocktail. From a list one can choose the cocktail base, strength, and taste with options such as bitter, sour, sweet and spicy. Additional ingredients to add flavour to your tipple include apple, strawberry, celery, cucumber and basil.

After a couple of glasses I headed down Abai Street where I chanced upon Cafe Nedelka, which serves refreshing jugs of sangria, a light pick-me-up on a summer’s eve. The terrace is set back from the traffic-choked main thoroughfare and is a pleasant spot to while away a few hours.

Now feeling peckish, I took a taxi down Dostyk and found myself in Vino da Puri, a new venture from the Dedas Puri crew. Serving the same classy Georgian fare as in Dedas, this place is an oenophile’s delight with hundreds of bottles of wine to choose from. It also has a great terrace to make the most of the long summer evenings.

 

 

 

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