GooGoosha update: Hollywood Insider Provides Insight into Gulnara Karimova’s ‘Problems’

13 Mar

The following is a post from Kazaxia partner-in-crime the Spektator.

Gulnara Karimova, daughter of Uzbekistan’s President Islam Karimov has been complaining of a tough life of late, portraying herself as a victim of her father’s police state on Twitter and suffering under house arrest while the powers that be conduct raids on what remains of her business empire and her little sister calls her a bitch. But apparently it has all been an act – literally – the proceedings have all been part of elaborate preparations for Guli: The Film, expected to be released early next year.

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When Googoosha met Gerard … (taken from fergananews.com)

“Gulnara came to us with an enormous budget and informed us she wanted to play the lead role in an autobiographical film called Guli: The Film. The problem was the film didn’t have a storyline,” explained a Hollywood source familiar with the screen play to Kazaxia yesterday.

“We told her that every character worthy of a film has to have an arc. Take Frodo in Lord of the rings, for instance. No-one would want to make a film about a hobbit that just went around routinely extorting bribes from mobile phone companies and stealing restaurants from other hobbits,” the source continued. “A strong lead needs to go from rags to riches or vice-versa. At the time the idea of the film came about Gulnara’s arc was just a flat line of slightly controversial fashion shows, hostile takeovers in the Uzbek economy and oriental-kitsch music videos that no-one seemed to be watching. We needed something to actually happen in her life, so we got in touch with Gulnara’s father, Islam.”

Calling Gulnara, 41, “a great method actress”, the source refused to divulge the plot of Guli: The Film but confirmed that Karimova’s mother, Tatiana, had kindly agreed to play the role of a wicked witch that plans Karimova’s downfall, while Karimova’s personal friend, Gerard Depardieu, is set to play Rustam Inoyatov, the grizzly head of Uzbekistan’s SNB security service. Curiously the source also confirmed that Adam Sandler had auditioned for a role as a foreigner “who gets lost in Tashkent and meets a beautiful Uzbekistani princess”.

The source did admit there had been “some creative differences” between Karimova and the makers of the film. “Gulnara views the story as a high drama but we view it very much as a comedy. We are trying to win her over,” the Hollywood insider disclosed.

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Kazakhstan: Project Verny Unmasked

10 Mar

Project Verny, the sinister operation that may see Kazakhstan and other Central Asian states being annexed by the Russian Federation, is gaining momentum after secret meetings in Moscow last week.

Russian nationalist troublemaker Vladimir Zhirinovsky started the Project Verny ball rolling on February 23 when he called for called for the establishment of Russia’s “Central Asian Federal Region,” with “Verny” – the Russian Tsarist-colonial era name of Almaty, as its capital.

Following Russia’s illegal occupation of Crimea, a part of the sovereign territory of Ukraine, the initiative has picked up speed with incumbent Kazakhstan president Nursultan Nazarbayev summoned to the Kremlin on March 5 to discuss the project with Russian president Vladimir Putin.

It is believed that President Nazarbayev will be allowed to stay on as a figurehead president, with Zhirinovsky, who was born and raised in Alma-ata, the Soviet-colonial era name of Almaty, pulling the strings. This role is a reward for Zhirinovsky’s decades-long service as a faithful lackey to the Kremlin.

Karaganda in central Kazakhstan could be used as the transit point for Russia’s bully boys. Local self defence units and whip-toting Cossack thugs can be flown into the city via a recently-initiated Aeroflot flight from Moscow. Karaganda has a sizeable Russian-speaking population and is just three-hours journey for Kazakhstan’s capital Astana.

The catalyst for flying in local self-defence forces could come from a bizarre incident involving a pensioner and a lift in Astana. Olga Matvienko, a 74 year-old from Astana, told kazaxia that she was left befuddled after riding in a Kazakh-speaking lift recently.

The lift’s automated voice read out numbers such as “bir,” “tort” and “besh”, leaving the life-long resident of Kazakhstan, who has no knowledge of the Kazakh language, stranded as she tried to find the third floor.

“This voice kept on saying “tort” [cake in Russian] and I was very confused,” Matvienko told kazaxia. “I implore Vladimir Ilyich to protect my rights as a Russian-speaker in Tselinograd.”

[Editor’s note: the pensioner seems to have muddled up her Vladimirs; she probably means Vladimir Vladimirovich [Putin] here rather than Vladimir Ilyich [Lenin]. Also, no-one appears to have informed her that Tselinograd – the Soviet-colonial era name – is now known as Astana].

Could this strange case be the casus belli that Vladimir Vladimirovich and Vladimir Wolfovich [Zhirinovsky] have been waiting for to grab  land in what they see as their Central Asian backyard?

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“F**K Detroit:” Forgotten US city on the verge of joining Putin’s Customs Union

7 Mar

The Spektator, Kyrgyzstan’s  finest “rarely published guide to what’s happening in and around Bishkek”, has kindly contributed the following piece on the escalating crisis in Ukraine. Is Detroit set to be the next  Crimea, despite what Martha Brill Olcott thinks … 

DETROIT, March 7, (The Spektator) – The mood on the streets in Detroit, Michigan, is tense. After pitch battles waged in industrial scrap yards between pro-Union and pro-Eurasian Union paramilitary forces, interim Mayor Dave Bing announced today that Motor City will be holding a referendum on joining the Moscow-inspired trade bloc comprising Russia, Kazakhstan and Belarus in the coming weeks. President Barack Obama’s administration in Washington has registered its “relative concern” at the news.

The announcement of the referendum, which most agree will see Detroit secede from the United States and become a puppet state of the Russian Federation, is being portrayed by international media as yet another victory for Kremlin strongman Vladimir Putin over his geopolitical foes on Capitol hill. Municipal officials in Buffalo and Allentown were rumored to be considering their options when Kazaxia went to press, while William Peduto, Mayor of Pittsburgh caused waves on Thursday after telling journalists he wanted his city “to be the next Donetsk”. Peduto denies the comment showed “separatist intent”.

With Russia standing accused of parachuting Slavic grandmas into Detroit in order to vote ‘yes’ in the upcoming vote, the White House released a weakly-worded statement via a spokesperson today, reminding Vladimir Putin that “Detroit is not the Crimea. This is a city located fairly close to cities we consider under our protection, such as Chicago. The United States government is committed to resolving the political crisis in its former industrial heartlands through wishy washy diplomacy and empty bluster.”

Meanwhile, the benefits of annexation/integration for Detroit’s struggling economy are questionable. Immediately after the referendum announcement, Russia’s state-owned manufacturing giant RustBelt pledged to spend “several thousand rubles” revamping Detroit’s disused steelworks, while President of KrapKar, Vladislav Aragonov, has promised similar sums to revive the city’s decrepit auto industry. In comments reminiscent of Henry Ford, Aragonov told citizens of Detroit they would be able to have “any car they want, as long as it’s a Zhiguli classic.”

But despite the Eurasian Union’s seeming lack of appeal, Dave Bing, an NBA Hall of Famer now serving as the city’s mayor for the second time since retiring from professional basketball in 1978, has emerged as an unexpected Kremlin ally. “President Putin is a judo black belt. I want to get Detroit’s kids off the streets and back onto the basketball courts,” Bing told Kazaxia today by telephone. “President Putin tells me Russia doesn’t have a drug problem. That is why I am urging citizens to vote ‘yes’ in this referendum.”

As worried Americans made calls for the US army to get off its ass and do something about the situation, Eurasian Affairs commentator Frederick Upstarrt moaned to Kazaxia that the lack of response to the Detroit crisis was “yet another sign that President Obama is prepared to abandon parts of the world he doesn’t care about to Moscow’s aggression.”

Upstarrt’s reference to U.S indifference may have more than a grain of truth to it. In an FSB-intercepted phone call between Assistant Secretary of State Victoria Nuland and the governor of Michigan, Jack Snideman March 5, Nuland is alleged to have said: “This is a city the UN should be helping glue back together, and, you know, f**k Detroit.”

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Kazakhstan: Almaty Tenge Devaluation Protest in Pictures

15 Feb
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Abai looks on as workers clear snow from the square in front of Republic Palace demonstrators wanted to protest on

Protestors gathered today in Almaty, Kazakhstan to protest about the 20% devaluation of the tenge on February 11. A few hundred protestors marched from the square by Republic Palace to City Hall but before the demonstrators could reach New Square, police snatch squads moved in to detain around 30 people. For more background, check out this piece on EurasiaNet.org.

 

A protestor is bundled away by the police in Almaty

A protestor is bundled away by the police in Almaty

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Almaty Prosecutor tells crowd to disperse or face arrest for holding a rally without the ten day’s notice required by law – no notice is needed for a devaluation of the tenge.

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A protestor is arrested and taken away by the police in Almaty

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Nice shades – some KNB head honcho?

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Lines of police ready for lunch after a busy day’s work

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Kazakhstan: Not Like the Other “Stans”?

11 Feb

Following the worldwide media frenzy that resulted from President Nazarbayev’s impromptu remark about changing Kazakhstan’s name to Kazak Yeli/Qazaq Eli, kazaxia has decided to investigate claims that Kazakhstan is essentially different to the other “stans”  and should drop the “stan”  (Editor’s note: What’s wrong with Kazaxia as a new name for the country? ).

Just how different is Kazakhstan to its Central Asian neighbours? Let’s look at some key areas:

Politics – in the political sphere Kazakhstan shares some common ground with Uzbekistan in that it has only had one president since becoming independent from the Soviet Union in 1991. However, it is different to Turkmenistan, which is on its second incumbent, Tajikistan, which is also on number two and Kyrgyzstan, now on number four.

Leader popularity – there is a clear difference here as Kazakhstan is  only one of two “stans” where the president scored more than 95% of the popular vote in the last presidential election. President Nazarbayev was re-elected with a whopping 95.55% of the vote in 2011. Turkmenistan’s President Berdymukhamedov topped that with 97% in 2012 In contrast,  Uzbekistan’s President Karimov got 90.76% in 2007,,  Tajikistan’s President Rahmon received only 86.9% of the vote in 2013 and Kyrgyzstan’s President Atambayev trails in last place with a mere 63.2% in 2011.

Dealing with unsanctioned public protest – kazaxia has spotted some differences in dealing with participants in unsanctioned public protests between Kazakhstan and Uzbekistan. In the most recent cases, four bloggers have been arrested in Kazakhstan – at the time of writing three have been imprisoned, a fourth, Dina Baidildayeva, is on trial on February 12 and could face some time inside. So that makes 75%. In Uzbekistan eight protesters were arrested for holding an illegal rally outside the Ukranian embassy – three were given 15-day jail terms. So that makes 37.5%.

President Nazarbayev, speaking at a meeting with cultural figures, where he was asked about changing the country’s name, in Atyrau on February 6, cited  Mongolia (which, of course,  has no “stan” ) as an example of a country that “foreigners show interest” in. Mongolia is unusual in Central Asian countries in that is an island of freedom in a sea of not-free countries, according to this infographic from Freedom House. 

So, we can conclude that Kazakhstan sure is different form its neighbours, but whether matters will be helped by a name change is up for debate.

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Uzbekistan: Live at the Witch Trials

17 Dec

In scenes reminiscent of the hysteria which gripped Salem, Massachusetts in 1692, Tashkent may see a high-profile witchcraft trial as the bitter dispute between the Karimova sisters takes a sinister new twist.

The younger of President Islam Karimov’s two daughters, Lola Karimova-Tillyaeva, has turned the tables on her older sibling by threatening to take legal action against Gulnara “in connection with the spread of defamatory statements, slander and threats against me and my husband Timur Tillyaev in social networking websites and the media”.

Which one’s the witch?
http://news.fergananews.com/photos/2013/07/gulo.jpg)

It is believed that Lola will submit a petition ot the Tashkent branch of the Department for the Investigation of Sorcery-related Affairs (DISA) to investigate her older sister for suspected sorcery.

DISA’s chief prosecutor, Islomgol Bakanderova, told kazaxia that the trial could see a ducking stool set up on the banks of the Ankor Canal in downtown Tashkent. The accused will then be dipped in the icy water to determine their innocence or guilt.

“If he/she survives then this proves that he/she is in league with Satan,” Bakanderova told kazaxia. “If he/she drowns then she is innocent of the crime of sorcery,” she added.

Human rights groups have slammed the proposed trial as unsatisfactory and have questioned the lack of due process in the proceedings. “The death of the accused is not a satifactory means of ascertaining innocence,” an anonymous source told kazaxia. “This is the 21st century – we shouldn’t be relying on 17th century torture methods to determine innocence or guilt.”

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Dariga Nazarbayeva – Queen of the Freaks

13 Dec

Whoops – President Nursultan Nazarbayev’s eldest daughter, Dariga, put her foot in it in a spectacular fashion on 11 December when she described disabled children as “freaks”.

Nazarbayeva suggested that teenage pregnancies could be discouraged by arranging school visits to orphanages for children with disabilities – in her strange world these “freaks”, as she refers to the unfortunate inhabitants of the orphanages, are linked to ” an unreasoned, premature sex life”.

Dariga – Queen of the Freaks?

Maybe compulsory viewing in schools of Kazakhstan’s Queen of the Freaks in action would be enough to put people off ever having kids. Dariga would be well-advised to watch Tod Browning’s 1932 classic “Freaks” to see what fate could await her if she continues to make disparaging comments about others.

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The Golden Pug Awards 2013

6 Dec

Yes, it’s that time of year again; the awards season is upon us and Kazaxia has teamed up with our main sponsor, Almaty’s Golden Pug Bar ‘n’ Grill, and Kazakhstan’s kyurdak producers to bring you the 2013 Golden Pug Awards, which this year are awarded in five categories.

The Hugh New Prize

This year’s Hugh New Prize, in memory of the famous British journo, goes to all those Central Asia watchers who came up with the groundbreaking revelations about political analyst Usman Khakhnazarov (first reported in 2003). Yes, it is indeed a pseudonym that has been used by different authors over the years and not a real person.

The Golden Pug Original Research Award

Gerri Peev of the UK’s Daily Mail/Mail on Sunday takes this year’s Original Research Award for her “borrowing” (without attribution) of quotes from The Guardian relating to Tony Blair. We expect nothing less of the Daily Mail/Mail on Sunday and the consistently low standards of its online content providers.

The Golden Pug Lifetime Achievement (Central Asia) Award

This year’s Golden Pug Lifetime Achievement (Central Asia) Award goes to Joshua Foust, who has strode the world of Central Asian analysis like a colossus for many years. Now he is bowing out from the journalistic limelight to focus on new pastures. Who among us can forget his memorable ramble through the culinary backwaters of Kyrgyzstan in his piece on the Fajitas of Osh?

Kyurdak Republican Association of Producers (Krap) Award

Pyotor Leopard, who journeyed through Central Asia on a penny farthing this summer – fuelled only by kyurdak, that classic of Kazakh cuisine (fried offal served up with onion and peppers), has been awarded a Kyurdak Gold Card by the Kyurdak Republican Association of Producers, that entitles him to walk into any greasy spoon in Kazakhstan and eat his favourite dish to his heart’s content.

The Golden Pug “Spotlight” Award

There was really only one person in the running for this award, which is given to an individual or team that has done the most to put Central Asia in the spotlight. It is, of course, Gérard Depardieu.

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Mars to Pluck GooGoosha from Goo Goo Muck?

22 Nov

GooGoosha has found herself increasingly in the goo goo muck of late as the end game looks increasingly nigh in the first major battle of the war of succession in Uzbekistan.

With her empire crumbling in recent weeks and criminal cases swirling around her, the singer cum jewellery designer cum diplomat may want to consider alternatives to rotting in an Uzbek jail.

Her options may be limited, though. She’s being pursued in Europe in fraud cases, has issues in Russia over the shutting down of MTS in Uzbekistan. America is not keen  – she has history there involving kidnapping allegations going back to 2002.

But help could be at hand from an unexpected source as Mars announced it would be willing to offer sanctuary to the troubled princess.

The Martian authorities told Kazaxia that on the red planet she would be immune from prosecution and free to continue her singing career and charitable work without interference.

Exile on the red planet may indeed be preferable to spending time in one of her father’s torture complexes such as the horrific Jaslyk prison camp.

 

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The Blair Rich Project

16 Nov

The jury is still out over the impact that Tony Blair Associates has had on Kazakhstan over the last two years. The former UK prime minister’s consultancy has been advising Astana on a variety of issues since October 2011 in a project dubbed by some observers as “The Blair Rich Project”.

While many Kazakhstan-watchers have pointed to a worsening of the human rights situation and a widespread crackdown in the country since the December 2011 Zhanaozen riots, when 15 protestors were killed, Tony’s crew has witnessed a somewhat different scene.

Using the rose-tinted spectacles supplied by Astana, Tony Blair Associates (TBA) rejected notions of a crackdown, telling the Guardian: “We simply do not agree that the situation in this regard has deteriorated.”

It seems they hadn’t spotted an opposition leader getting jailed for apparently organising the trouble in Zhanaozen, other dissenting political voices being neutered, the silencing of critical media outlets and a further scaling back of the right to free assembly.

The tw0-year contract has just finished and is supposedly up for renewal, but Lord Venal is sceptical it will be prolonged.

“Astana paid $26 million for the services of TBA and, quite frankly, were expecting a bit more Blair for their bucks,” he told Kazaxia.

Tony has only paid flying visits to Kazakhstan, deputising the work to others in his team as he globetrots around sorting out the planet’s problems.

“For that sort of money, Kazakhstan could have bought a million twitter shares (priced initially at $26 a pop), a bar of Kazakhstan chocolate for every person in the country, or around 20% of the Welsh wizard, Gareth Bale,” Lord Venal added.

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