Qazaqstan: Venal Resurfaces after “Preventative Chat”

14 Jun

Seasoned election observer Lord Venal, missing in Nur-Sultan since last Sunday, election day, has resurfaced in Almaty. He was in Nur-Sultan to observe the election but was not seen again for a few days after a heavy lunch.

Voters head to the polls in Almaty, Qazaqstan

“We were in a polling station in the morning,” he told kazaxia, “Then we went for lunch. I must have had one or two Pravda Punches too many and then felt sleepy. The next thing I recall is waking up in a sauna with a high-ranking police officer who told me he wanted a little ‘preventative chat’ about my observing.”

You can’t run away from Pravda Punch!

Also present at the ‘briefing’ were Venal’s fellow observers Wanda Ditt, from the Tax Avoidance Advisory Committee, and Bungle, an old-Etonian and Tory MP from the UK. “I was distressed to learn of the intemperate attacks on my good friend and learned parliamentarian [Bungle] because of his long-standing friendship with the people and leaders of the great nation of Qazaqstan. Although we did not go to the same school, our paths crossed later on numerous occasions, most recently over a most congenial drink where the subject of Qazaqstan’s remarkable progress was eagerly applauded,” Venal told kazaxia.

Commenting on the peaceful protests that marked election day in many cities, Lord Venal had this to say: “As for the unfortunate reports of one or two cases of rowdiness on the streets by mostly the youth of the cities, I can say I personally saw nothing untoward and I am sure the guardians of law and order acted with their usual impeccably high standards. Regrettably I will have to make mention of such unfortunate incidents in my election monitoring report, but I will stress how efficiently the law-enforcement agencies dealt with such isolated incidents, which did not mar an otherwise thoroughly enjoyable election experience for all.”

We have received this from Bungle’s solicitors:

British MP’s comments on Kazakhstan’s Presidential Election – Important Advisory Note from Shilling and Pence

Our client has been quoted in Qazaqstan’s media commenting on the free, fair and democratic presidential elections there and the isolated but unfortunate cases of unruliness by a very small minority of people on the streets of several cities.

Our client notes how frequently constituents in the part of London our client represents, who follow developments in Qazaqstan with keen interest, ask our client about the inspiring progress in the country.

Our client has asked us to make absolutely, completely and utterly clear that these remarks were motivated uniquely, solely and only on the basis of facts known to our client, a close student of the remarkable transformation of that emerging country under wise and steady leadership.

Any insinuation, implication or hint that these views are motivated by anything other than an honest assessment of the facts will attract an immediate response, not excluding the possibility of libel action in any jurisdiction, including in the English courts.

Our client has also asked us to make clear that any hospitality from Qazaqstan’s Embassy in London, not excluding visits to view live football matches in a spirit of conviviality, is accepted on the basis of politeness and is duly entered as appropriate in the House of Commons register of members’ interests.

Shilling & Pence

London, EC4






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