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Sensational Statue Offer for 2016

26 Jan

Lord Venal’s email box is constantly deluged with spam messages, but after receiving this unsolicited advert he was curious to know if any reader has tried this company’s services. As his father passed away not long ago and he was seeking a suitable monument for his (sadly rather neglected) Rutland estate, this seemed a gift from above (well, at least from the British Virgin Islands). But you can never be too careful. All advice on their suitability gratefully received.

Never forget what your Dad looks like….

Ever embarrassed at forgetting what your Dad really looked like? Need a reminder for the grandchildren of what a great bloke your late lamented Dad was? Now we have the ideal solution for you, available at competitive rates to suit any ruler’s pocket:

http://www.statuesofmydad.com

Arrange for one of our representatives to make a sympathetic visit, where you can discuss how you would like your esteemed late lamented parent to be represented. We offer a range of sizes, materials and styles to suit all tastes, from highly tasteful to extravagantly tacky. Choose a matching plinth to complete the package.

Once you have made your selection, we present a video image of the model statue for approval. We then manufacture the artwork using our skilled craftsmen in our own workshops, before careful transportation and installation of the finished product.

…NEW THIS MONTH… Buy 3, get 1 free!

Testimonials:

“Despite their name this company actually did a very nice statue of my Mum” – Mr. Turkmenbashi, Turkmenistan

“I’ve used this company more times than my staff care to remember – I can never have too many statues of my Dad. They are so uncannily alike, they’re spooky” – Mr. H. Aliyev, Azerbaijan

prezident_mingecevir_24022015_03

“Hello Dad!” – Mr Aliyev kindly sent a picture from his family album of his visit to his favourite statue.

“The statues provided of our Eternal President were delivered on time and under budget” – Mr. Kim Jong-il, North Korea

“Well, we might just as well have gone back to the same company again” – Mr. Kim Jong-un, North Korea

Newly launched….

By popular request, we have now launched an additional line – please go to our new dedicated website for more details:

http://www.statuesofmygranddad.com

Solving your location problems also…

Having trouble finding locations for all these statues of your beloved relative? Running out of suitable locations in your own properties? Not a problem! Our sister company can help. They will find parks in any number of beautiful cities of the world who will fall over themselves to offer a place of honour specially for YOUR Dad.

http://www.parksformydadstatue.com

Our specialist consultant can run through the various packages available, ranging from a simple installation in a corner of an existing beautiful park, to the Golden Park Package. This premium package is not to be missed and includes:

– full renovation of a tired and run-down park into a beautiful shrine to your beloved relative

– bulldozing any unsightly nearby buildings which harm the aesthetic ambience

– renaming the entire new park in your ancestor’s honour

– a complete set of top-ranking political, artistic and religious leaders from the host city and nation to grace the opening ceremony

– recording of opening ceremony for prime television coverage on all local and international broadcast channels

– threatening and smearing any ungracious local who fails to see the benefits of honouring your ancestor in a beautiful, prime city location.

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Turkmenistan: The President who just keeps on winning

25 Sep

Kazaxia has received a dispatch from the future looking at the continuing sporting prowess of Turkmenistan’s very long-term potentate Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedov.

ASHGABAT, Turkmenistan – August 9, 2030 – With the first week of the 2030 Olympic Games in Turkmenistan’s capital Ashgabat already over, the country’s all-powerful President has stunned the sporting world by single-handedly heading the medal table. Still more remarkable, the 73-year-old Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedov wasn’t even a declared athlete and is half a century older than most of his competitors.
With gold medals already in a slew of equestrian and motor racing events, Berdimuhamedov appears also set to win gold in archery, shooting and swimming events. He only took part in these events on the spur of the moment at the insistence of the ecstatic crowds.
Yet the ever-modest president is dismissing the adulation his success has won him, particularly with the home crowds. ‘My competitors have put up a good fight and I have to applaud their wisdom in the way they competed,’ he told television audiences during a four-hour speech from the medal podium. The speech was followed by a four-hour ovation.
Track record
Berdimuhamedov’s sporting success appears to have begun soon after he became president of his gas-rich state back in 2007.
In April 2012, in one of his early notable successes, he came first in a time-trial challenge racing a Turkish-build Volkicar he was not even scheduled to be competing in. ‘While an event presenter introduced the president,’ The Associated Press reported, ‘he received a request nobody in Turkmenistan would be likely turn down. “Can I take part?” Berdimuhamedov asked.’
The president even took in his stride being thrown from his horse just after crossing the winning line in a famous horse-racing victory in April 2013. It turned out the 150 men in black suits who immediately ran to his assistance from all over the racing track were not needed as the president returned to claim his prize.
And as he won the 2015 Alfa Romeo cup, the state news agency reported breathlessly: ‘The cars fly, engines roar, the distance between them gets shorter and lengthens again on the bend, but then the Alfa Romeo No. 7 breaks away from its nearest pursuers and rushes forward, to victory!’
The 2017 Asian Indoor and Martial Arts Games saw the President sweep the medals board, again to tumultuous applause from an audience that could barely contain its excitement as long as the cameras rolled.
The Turkmen state media were similarly ecstatic over Berdimuhamedov’s victory at the 2019 Eurovision Song Contest in Andorra, and the 2021 Darts World Cup. A victory in the Scrabble Champions Tournament the same year was assured after a tense final, with the winning word ‘Arkadag’.

 

Kazakhstan: Not Like the Other “Stans”?

11 Feb

Following the worldwide media frenzy that resulted from President Nazarbayev’s impromptu remark about changing Kazakhstan’s name to Kazak Yeli/Qazaq Eli, kazaxia has decided to investigate claims that Kazakhstan is essentially different to the other “stans”  and should drop the “stan”  (Editor’s note: What’s wrong with Kazaxia as a new name for the country? ).

Just how different is Kazakhstan to its Central Asian neighbours? Let’s look at some key areas:

Politics – in the political sphere Kazakhstan shares some common ground with Uzbekistan in that it has only had one president since becoming independent from the Soviet Union in 1991. However, it is different to Turkmenistan, which is on its second incumbent, Tajikistan, which is also on number two and Kyrgyzstan, now on number four.

Leader popularity – there is a clear difference here as Kazakhstan is  only one of two “stans” where the president scored more than 95% of the popular vote in the last presidential election. President Nazarbayev was re-elected with a whopping 95.55% of the vote in 2011. Turkmenistan’s President Berdymukhamedov topped that with 97% in 2012 In contrast,  Uzbekistan’s President Karimov got 90.76% in 2007,,  Tajikistan’s President Rahmon received only 86.9% of the vote in 2013 and Kyrgyzstan’s President Atambayev trails in last place with a mere 63.2% in 2011.

Dealing with unsanctioned public protestkazaxia has spotted some differences in dealing with participants in unsanctioned public protests between Kazakhstan and Uzbekistan. In the most recent cases, four bloggers have been arrested in Kazakhstan – at the time of writing three have been imprisoned, a fourth, Dina Baidildayeva, is on trial on February 12 and could face some time inside. So that makes 75%. In Uzbekistan eight protesters were arrested for holding an illegal rally outside the Ukranian embassy – three were given 15-day jail terms. So that makes 37.5%.

President Nazarbayev, speaking at a meeting with cultural figures, where he was asked about changing the country’s name, in Atyrau on February 6, cited  Mongolia (which, of course,  has no “stan” ) as an example of a country that “foreigners show interest” in. Mongolia is unusual in Central Asian countries in that is an island of freedom in a sea of not-free countries, according to this infographic from Freedom House. 

So, we can conclude that Kazakhstan sure is different form its neighbours, but whether matters will be helped by a name change is up for debate.

Turkic Body Talk

13 Sep

Here’s an interesting image from last month’s meeting of the Turkic Council in Azerbaijan. Look who’s holding centre stage – yes, it’s none other than Kazakhstan President Nursultan Nazarbayev. Paying rapt attention to the elder statesman of Turkic politics are Kyrgyzstan’s President Almazbek Atambayev, Azerbaijan’s President Ilham Aliyev and his bespectacled friend. Turkey’s President Abdullah Gül looks on bemused as the others chat away, presumably, in Russian. Kazaxia’s favourite is the uncomfortable looking guy on the far left – Turkmenistan’s Vice-President Sapardurdi Toylıyev, who appears to be to nervous to catch anyone’s eye less he get into trouble back in Ashgabat.

Turkic Council not effective due to conflicting interests

Are Central Asian Leaders Merely Mortal, After All?

23 May

Alarming evidence has appeared over recent months that some Central Asian leaders may, in fact, be merely mortal, despite claims to the contrary, as the leaders of Turkmenistan and Uzbekistan both hit the headlines recently with health scares.

When President Berdymuhkamedov took a tumble from his mount in a horse race in which he won an $11 million prize, he also took a fall from the notion that he was, if not immortal, at least a demi-god.

Rumours of Uzbekistan’s President Karimov suffering a heart attack in March set alarm bells ringing that the long-serving president was, after all, prone to the same fate as we mere mortals. Karimov’s health has long been a subject of debate – a few years ago he was apparently at death’s door with leukemia.

In neighbouring Kazakhstan, President Navarbayev only has to hop on to a plane for rumours to start flying that he is going abroad for major surgery, calling into question his status as a potential demi-god.

In the cases of Karimov and Nazarbayev, both are in their 70s so it’s not really surprising that their respective states of health should be of concern . A doctor, contacted by Kazaxia, confirmed that most likely both, as indeed all the leaders, will one day die if it turns out that  they are not immortal.

As for the others, Kyrgyzstan’s President Atambayev allegedly enjoys getting thoroughly mortal on occasion, which rules him out and Tajikistan’s Rahmon is quite possibly immortal, although he will probably achieve his vicarious immortality through the fruit of his loins as has happened in North Korea, Azerbaijan, and Syria, although, of course, his successor should be wary of how things have panned out for President al-Assad.

Kazakhstan: Will horse meat be on the table at Iran nuke talks?

21 Feb

As the horse meat scandal gallops on apace in Europe, delegates arriving in Almaty for the P5 + 1 – Iran Talks might want to take a close look at what they are being served to eat. Following a quick check of outlets in Almaty, Kazaxia has discovered a wide range of products containing horse DNA openly on sale.

On a frosty Wednesday morning, kazy, a smoked horse meat sausage, was widely available in shops and markets. In restaurants and cafes our correspondent was able to choose from a wide range of dishes laced with horse meat.

Plov adorned with kazy (horse meat sausage)

A generous serving of plov adorned with kazy (horse meat sausage)

These included besbarmak, Kazakhstan’s national dish – chunks of horse meat served with strips of pasta and washed down with a horsey broth and steaming dishes of plov, a rice-based dish sometimes adorned with slices of kazy. Kumys, fermented mares milk, is  a favourite tipple that is often served with these meals.

The Kazakhs pride themselves on their hospitality and it is unlikely that the delegates will be able to leave before eating their fill of horse meat. For the squeamish delegates, it is probably better to play the vegetarian card, but they will have to put up with sliced cucumber and tomato smothered in mayonnaise – the only known salad found in Kazakhstan.

Staying on the horse meat theme, in neighbouring Turkmenistan mystery surrounds the disappearance of 120 prized Akhal-Teke horses from the national stables over the last two years. Could these beautiful thoroughbreds somehow have ended up in a value burger on Europe’s dining tables?

Here Comes Central Asia’s Supergroup?

19 Oct

This clip of Turkmenistan’s President Gurbanguly Berdymukhamedov revealing his talent on the guitar, spotted by EurasiaNet, got Kazaxia thinking about other musical  members of Central Asia’s ruling families and the supergroup they could create if they were to get together.

Uzbekistan’s royal family has its very own pop star in residence, Gulnara Karimova, or to use her stage name GooGoosha, eldest daughter of President Islam Karimov. She could duet with part-time opera diva, Dariga Nazarbayeva, daughter of Kazakhstan’s President Nursultan Nazarbayev, while Berdy strums away in the background.

It’s not clear what Kyrgyzstan and Tajikistan’s ruling families could bring to the mix. Perhaps the Kyrgyz could supply the security, with their extensive recent experience of upheaval.  Maybe Tajikistan could carry the hat around the audience with all proceeds going to the Rogun dam project.