Lord Venal’s “It’s a Man’s Man’s Man’s World” Tour

15 Mar

Kazakhstan’s flag carrier appears to be in the initial stages of a new tour for the ambitious international tourist, scheduled to debut in 2018: The 10 Great Capitals of Great Men tour. The plans were found in a clutch of papers Lord Venal inexplicably found in his briefcase after a rather jolly evening in an Astana nightclub where – as well as some rather charming ladies – a party for senior airline staff was underway.

The proposed tour would start with a champagne and mare’s milk breakfast in the Kazakh capital Nazarbayev before boarding for the Azerbaijani capital Aliyev. (One document said the first stop could be either the Uzbek capital Mirziyoyev or the Tajik capital Rahmon, but both were scratched out on the copy Lord Venal found.) After visits to the Heydar Aliyev Centre, a tour of the nightclubs and overnight in the Presidential Hotel, it’s on to the Russian capital Putin. After an exclusive visit to the president’s country villa at Novo-Ogaryovo and a tour of the Kremlin, the luxury flight then whisks you to Erdogan, the Turkish capital. After a fruitjuice reception at the new hilltop presidential complex, tourists will lay a wreath at the Ataturk memorial before sightseeing.

The documents found by Lord Venal reveal planning has not yet been completed for the next leg of the worldwide tour. Assad, the Syrian capital, has been resolutely crossed out, while possible stops in the Jordanian capital Abdullah and the Egyptian capital El-Sisi have questions marks by them. Several possible African capitals similarly have question marks by them (two in the cases of Obiang in Equatorial Guinea and Mugabe in Zimbabwe).

The final destination though has already been fixed: the US capital Trump. A visit to the White House is already in the programme, with guests staying in the nearby Trump International Hotel. The trip of a lifetime climaxes with a reception in Trump Tower in New York. [Editor’s note: While we’re in the USA, wasn’t it George Washington that kicked off all this capital-naming frenzy?]

Lord Venal has already volunteered for the first such trip, offering to live Tweet the unforgettable journey to his many fans around the world, and giving the trip the cachet it will need to attract the highest calibre of participants. The airline already appears to have lined up an array of guest speakers for each capital to provide a unique insight into how the personalities of the great leaders have shaped the physical, social and intellectual environment of these key world capitals. Renowned British statesman Jonathan Aitken has apparently signed up to present the genius of Kazakhstan’s great leader. Retired US statesman Michael Flynn is under consideration for the Russian part of the tour. Other names seem yet to be determined.

The airline is to be congratulated on this innovative new plan. Lord Venal cannot wait for the initial tour and will, over the coming months, be actively seeking potential tourists for this life-changing experience on every visit he makes to any nightclub anywhere in the world.

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